Thursday, January 21, 2010

you've gotta feel it deep and leave it all on the floor

said some old blues guy, some time in the past. it's been my motto, especially for teaching, for a real long time now. something about that particular phrasing hits home, helps me immerse myself and stop the self-doubt and urge toward perfectionism that can be totally crippling (and make a person's life suck). i think it also captures the passion and willingness to open yourself up, to put yourself out there that any kind of performer has to have to be any kind of good.

i don't think my classes have been especially passionate or moving lately, and i really wanna change that. i think assigning seven novels that i've never taught before may have been a mistake...hard to be eloquent when you've just only figured out what to say. but i've got to get excited again and stop all the worrying. worrying, you've been a part of my life for so long, i'm not sure what i'll do without you. i banish you nonetheless. and good riddance.

wrote a job letter today for a postdoc for which i have the old proverbial snowball's chance in hell. sent off an article for publication (it kinda SUX but i wanted to get something out there), and almost finished polishing another pretty crappy article destined for the same mediocrity. but it's progress and it has got to get done. if you don't try for anything, you'll never get it, non?

i think it's gonna be a non-stop workfest grindhouse shithouse shitstorm for maybe even the rest of the semester. but in ten minutes, i'm gonna try for my eight hours. and then tomorrow morning i'm gonna work on the joy.

and the leaving it all on the floor. for reals.

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