Monday, September 14, 2009

the great honesty initiative

maybe this is a little heavy for a monday night, but it's a part of the larger jen's great health project which is currently underway here at nobeckettno. to ease into things, maybe i'll tell you that my simple but delicious dinner really hit the spot. some amy's cream of tomato soup with homemade croutons (garlic salt was oddly key here), parmesan, cracked black pepper and crushed red pepper. one small piece of organic spinach and feta pizza. one point five glasses lapostolle 'casa' cab. sentence fragments that i would scold my students for, but tasty dinner bits nonetheless.

so a lot of us have character traits we're not proud of, but i'm of the firm belief that people can willingly change most of these given real determination and some time to get it right. i have a trait that has begun to horrify me and makes me want to put down everything else until i iron it out. but, hopefully, i can fix this in addition to keeping my job and shit.

somewhere in my development, the old "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" turned into, "say the nicest thing you can" which is politeness gone all kinds of wrong. because instead of disagreeing with someone, i started to just pick out the things i thought were okay and respond to those instead. bad news.

i've grown into a MAJE conflict avoider. i hate upsetting people or even making them uncomfortable. when i realized i didn't even want to tell the blockbuster girl what i thought of a movie i had rented b/c she obviously liked it and i thought it was craptastic, i knew i had some ish. i mean, the movie girl will recover if i tell her i hated it.

now, i'm not a total fucktard agreer; i do disagree with people and i've had my share of arguments. i just see this gross thing in myself that i don't like and it's time now to knock it off. my urge to be nice is fine. i'm a kind person. that's good, and i'm glad i'm nice. but not at the expense of just saying what i think.

and when did my value become not giving my honest opinion, but making people happy? when did i decide comfortable was better than true? and a scarier question: why?

i think this will be a hard habit to break, but i'm up to it. and i think before i can figure out how to be honest without being rude, i might just have to wing it and go filter free for a while.

so, if i seem oddly bitchy for a while, sorry. xoxo.

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