Monday, July 13, 2009

summer babe

listening to pavement has been a summer staple of mine since at least 2001 when matt and soto and i went in together on a cd player for our apartment in spain.  we drank bottle after bottle of estola and listened to slanted & enchanted and crooked rain, crooked rain and counted off our top-three everythings until sarah wanted to punch us all silly.  oh and we burned this grapefruit scented travel candle i brought for 'atmosphere' so often that i can still recall its particular sweet-tart cloying fragrance. 

so pavement's back in the summer rotation and i listened to 'summer babe (winter version)' like 80 times today which stuck me knee-deep in nostalgia for summers better forgotten.  i seem to have a knack of making those for myself.  and this one is kinda up there in the sucking department, but in a sort of grey, bland way that makes me want to just take a big fat nap.  it was a sort of low day today too, i guess.  didn't sleep well last night, went to MS doctor to start the process of getting on medication, came back and took too long of a nap -- the kind where you wake up, kinda sticky with sweat and with a heavy feeling fogging up all yr normally pleasant biz.  

it's time to give these sads (and scareds too, i won't lie) the good ole double stockton hey-buddy.  i haven't been feeling particularly emotionally strong lately, kind of twitchy even and liable to start crying at most anything.  this is not a good place and it's not me at my best.  i'm feeling overwhelmed -- by a lifetime full of needing medication, by my difficulty writing, the good chance that i might not find a job for next year.  i can't even seem to communicate well right now -- i don't feel like i'm getting words out right, i don't seem to be able to call any of my friends.  BLAH.

amazon sent me word today via email that my new kai perfume is heading toward me on a ups truck.  and i have the english major's habit of turning things into symbols -- things and dates and places.  even tho i know that kai has no magic in it and the dessert essence organics coconut body wash i ordered isn't going to arrive and with it usher in a new era, i'm determined to make these little things work for me as markers of a better attitude.  i will not have these new treats be like that sick sweet grapefruit candle (or worse!  the bed-head shampoo i used when rich and i broke up in college!  i still can't handle that stuff!), reminding me of all the lessser jens i've been.

i mean, this is my LIFE, you know?  i want to be HAPPY.  

so onward and upward.  (with exciting new toiletries. squee!)

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