Wednesday, April 29, 2009

maybe this is just one of those

it's 1:45 in the morning, i just turned 33, and i live in indiana kind of moments, but i really feel like if i don't get tattoos on my hands and a really nicely maintained muscle car in the next two years, i will not be who i truly am.  you know?

other girls my age want babies.  

what do we think of something like this?  

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

oddly beautiful day

this is a crazy octopus that decorates an organic cotton t at topo ranch -- totally fell in love with it today, along with several of their other shirts.  discovered these while deciding that i will make my parents visit phoenix with me to eat at pizzeria bianco and enjoy some warm weather and some apparently quite awesome pizza.  

also fell in love with set of gelatin recipes and photos (!) in this month's martha mag. they are beautiful!  like squishy fruit dreams.  she also convinced me that i need to make my mom a 'chandelier' made of ribbons and that i should find a way to incorporate ornamental grasses into my life.  while it's no domino, i'm definitely smitten with the may issue.

so, obviously, i spent today at borders scooping up magazines.  i've also been listening to telepathe, yyys, and m.ward all day b/c i'm going thru some kind of contemporary dance pop synth moment.  tho m.ward is more country-fied than the other two.

enjoyed another current obsession today for lunch which is black beans and rice with homemade mango salsa.  little bit of sour cream and some hot sauce.  totally.

okay, that's all i needed to share for the moment.  now back to writing that final exam...


Sunday, April 26, 2009

okay, check it

i need to have an awesome summer.  

i didn't do half the shit i wanted to do this year (another reason for the murky depresh i've presented as of late).  but i have started the momentum on some cool shit -- like the exercisin, the losing almost 10 lbs, some extra funding, a potential publication (!) thanks to that fantasy conference, &c.  but it's nothing if i don't keep moving.  and i can't keep moving when i don't have a decent amount of balance with fun and adventures and feeling like this is the kind of life i want to live.  

so, yeah, i can't afford to live in barcelona this summer like i'd want.  but i can afford to buy a summer pass to tropicanoe cove, go to all the free co-rec classes i can (and the outdoor yoga class i'd have to pay for), and spend some quality hangout time with my west coast peeps.  so i need to deserve those things and enjoy those things to the thoreau/?/camus levels that i want to.  (that 3/4 bottle of clos du bois cab hasn't gone to my head enough to clarify that '?,' btw.  not in a public forum anyway.)  

i guess i'm saying that it's time for me to gear up for a work hard/play hard summer.  i want to rally some indiana tennis troops, drink cold beer outside, write my goddamned dissertation as well as that paper or two to send off for pblshng, make the best 60s mix you ever heard, finish decorating my bedroom, have what could actually qualify as 'guns,' come to terms with frown lines, continue to be an awesome girlfriend, be a better girl friend to a few of the extraordinary girls i've met in the midwest, and internalize the concept of summer such that it radiates from me not like harsh rays of sun but like the ineluctable sparkling of sour gummy candy lit from the inside.

are you in or are you in?

just an update

totally woke up happy today.  so it's not all debbie downer.  i guess that just like a cranky baby, all i needed was a good night's sleep.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

i am BARELY gonna make it to the end of this semester

i am a grouch today!  too much grading, not enough fun i suspect.  i am in burnout central times a million.  not even a nice dinner of grilled mahi mahi, mango salsa, beans n rice helped me out.  i just feel like a heavy weight over me and cloudy sads everywhere i look.  i keep catching myself sighing.  but i'll push through the next couple weeks and then maybe i can catch up with my personal goals.  that will help.

and birthday next week will be nice too.  i haven't gone out to dinner in months and months.  i can't even remember the last time i ate any kind of out-food.  so d is taking me out and then soon after the bday comes the bach weekend and that should really clean out the gloomy emotional corners.  

i can't wait to work out all next week like a crazy turbo kick machine. it's the only thing i like anymore.

Friday, April 24, 2009

there is some kind of maje party happening downstairs

it's almost 2:30 in the am and my floorboards are rattling from the bass emanating from downstairs.  kinda hilarious that the korean sushi place is bumping really loud rap until all hrs.  considered crashing, but i'm too tired.  instead, it's bourne identity, light popcorn and some beers.

after the bar run of course, which entailed some margs with the ever lovely raves and the very charming, adorable and nearly married abigail.  drinks ended early, sadly, but will hopefully be resumed on sunday afternoon.  apparently, lafayette has a winery?  

watched notorious today with a sort of extended lunch even tho i never listened to biggie or puffy or really any kind of east coast rappers since run dmc.  kinda ironic that he is now bumpin loudly under my feet.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

feeling low

bored and depressed.  not really sure why.  i guess i have to go to the dmv tomorrow and get an indiana drivers license and that's not a particularly fun errand.  but i'm not even dreading that, so i'm not sure what gives.  


Monday, April 20, 2009

just couldn't breathe with yr throne on my chest

yes, it's me, student research paper proposals, and furnace room lullaby tonight.  all pretty good actually.  i'm getting papers on the twilight series, gossip girl, gum disease, and the octomom, among other things.  should be an interesting finals week.  i also get the american lit papers on weds.  time to gear up for maje paper grading weekend.

it's funny how neko case attaches herself to a weird variety of times in my life. furnace room lullaby in particular.  driving around chicago in lincoln's cj-7, going to all manner of bars and lounging around in his hyde park apartment.  then, a year later it was getting over some major life disappointments, living in norcal with the parents after a wild and draining summer in spain.  i would go running late at night in the suburbs, in that cool night air with honeysuckle and heartsickness and "south tacoma way" was the first song on the playlist i ran to.  i really can't hear it anymore without being sucked right back onto norris canyon road at 11pm full of total soul sickness and that little dash of ambition.

now in a weirder physical locale but a much better emotional space, fighting off nostalgia over 'bought and sold.'  

thank all that is good in the world that people can change and that we can make choices that lead our lives off in a million wild directions.  if i had to live the rest of my life teaching at dvc and trying to get that guy at the dog park to fall in love with me, i'd be so fucking miserable.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

in weekend

was swell, if uneventful.  tidied the apartment, hung some twinkle lights upstairs, read a magazine, and made some very tasty (and healthful!) mahi mahi panko-crusted fish sticks.  another giada recipe that turned out well.  i'm so into the fish cooking lately, obvs.  and this one required that i, like, cut up raw fish into smaller raw fish bits and then handle those bits while covering them in egg whites n bread crumbs n shit.  big leaps and bounds for the formerly very squeamish vegetarian of 14 years.  and i'm not having any kind of identity implosion or anything either.  i often wondered how attached i was to vegetarianism, even tho i never really held moral feelings abt the animal eatin.  turns out not so much.  not that i'm even contemplating eating anything other than fish.  i guess that means i am still attached.  but i suppose 14 years of any behavior has to have some big ties to your sense of self.  

in terms of work, i've been a very lazy bastard since thursday.  i did poke around in the arcades project b/c director told me to.  then i went so far as to open my chapter two document where i typed two sentences worth of notes to myself.  then i decided i'd work on altering these two shirts from j.crew i bought and can't wear because they're too low cut.  so i sewed some shit and now i think they're wearable.  i know that's not work work, but i did stab myself in the fingers a couple times with the needle.  that's gotta count for something.


Friday, April 17, 2009

futuristic sport bitch needs these things from adidas

i'd also like to say, omfg, i want everything in the adi slvr store.  beautiful simple chic.  if i had a million dollars, i'd also be all over the y-3 store.

now i just need better arms, a little sunny california tan, big black sunglasses and a ponytail.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

some cool things abt today

  • instead of yelling at me abt a bad draft at our meeting today, my director offered to buy me a turkey and swiss sandwich.  when i told her i'm vegi-style, she brought me a black coffee.
  • the first performance of fake band 'munchausen by proxy' in yes man is well worth renting the entire movie.  it's all abt zooey deschanel and people with seahorse headdress.
  • i made grilled cod tonight.  my first cod!  also made a giada lemon vinaigrette: 1/4 cup lemon juice, 1/4 cup italian parsley (i cut this down cuz i don't like parsley), 2 garlic cloves, 2 tsp lemon zest, salt, pepper, 1/3 cup olive oil (i'd cut down on this next time).  put it in a blender and zurp, awesome dressing to pour on fish.  and pasta and steamed asparagus, which is totally what i did tonight and it was awesome.
  • lisa solomon's poloroid pix (as seen above and on -- thanks tinyshowcase.)
i guess that's it for today.  let's see abt tomorrow!  

Monday, April 13, 2009


totally skippersed turbo kick boxing this morning.  stayed up waay too late working (didn't put face to pillow until 5am) and couldn't face the thought of hopping around to dated techno/top 40s.  so i slept in and taught and found out i won something called the lowe scholarship!  so i get a grand for writing my dissertation abt 20th century british fiction.  $1000 seems meager compared to the other, larger grants i majorly failed to get, but let's not be a greedy bastard.  very super happy to have the extra cash and something to actually put in the 'grants,awards' section of my cv.  all that hard work was not for naught!  

but now i am so exhausted that i'm going to poke around on the internet and sleep for a hundred hours.  

Sunday, April 12, 2009

champagne nap

really wanted a champagne nap today after an extended easter brunch involving, i'm sure, at least a bottle of champers for jb.  i think we took down something like 10 bottles by the time i left.  would have kept going too if i didn't have work to attend to.  but attend to work i did, and i'm probably the better for it.  still sleepy, but no hangover and no headache.

brunch was really rockin and tons of fun.  there were games that involved running around and hunting eggs (with the occasional nasty note stuffed inside.  i got 'i took a poll and it's been confirmed. nobody likes you.'  there was also, 'hey, pencil dick.' and something abt 'slutsy.')  you know, a very traditional easter.  there were muffins and bagels and cheesy hashbrown goodness and mimosas, tortilla espanola, bloody mary makins.  with a little royal tenenbaums in the background, it was a very merry and laugh-filled sunday all around.

then class prep, late night pizza, and now some food-oriented regrets on my part.  no real regrets tho.  listening to m.ward and looking forward to a monster ass kicking from the tkb instructor tomorrow morning.  i need it.

what a glowy, lovely sunshine day here in small town indiana.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

a little dress obsess

went on second run of the bearable running weather season and it was certainly better than the inaugural run, but generally not great. i'm so damn happy that i can actually put on shorts and go run around outside that i really don't care.

since it's beginning to really feel like spring (and i have a few worthy events), i've been spending far too much time online browsing dresses.  mostly salesies, of course. also, i'm just .5 pounds away from having lost 10 whole pounds. this makes me feel deserving of a new dress. or two. and birthday's just around the corner, so mummydaddy might get an email abt one of these guys...

ralph lauren:



diane von furstenburg:

ella moss:

most of them fit with my futuristic-sport-bitch summer look, so that's cool.  maybe i should look for something sweeter tho; i do have a wedding to go to. 

Thursday, April 9, 2009

all in all up and up

to steal a line from brother bear.  today was a solidly good day: finished v for vendetta in 106 and when it ended i heard one 'that was fucking awesome' and several 'yeahs' from some people who hadn't seen it before.  then i met with the eternally deadpan and cool beyond cool 'schedule deputy' j.ware and got a 2:30pm 106 class for fall 2009 (awesome).  then i checked my department mailbox and got a summer prf grant (w00t for serious. tho if i didn't get it i would have been confused b/c it's really subject to your progress rather than being really competitive).  then i skipped crazy balls class at the gym.  sweetness and light all around.  

plus we had organic whole wheat crust cheese pizza with pineapple + the rest of the rendition zin for dinners.  and pizza always makes me happy.  

so now back to the walden which i vow to make alive and breathing for class tomorrow.  

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

insist on yourself; never imitate.

called 17 yr old jen up from the past-jen depths and rediscovered my interest in the transcendentalists (they're half right, after all).  so it's all thoreau and emerson and their romantic poet influences around the brain space these days.  also, how to make walden interesting to these kids?  i did not help things by playing THE MOST BORING WALDEN VIDEO EVER in class today.  i did it to them, i really did.  sheer laziness on my part, honestly.  it was 25 min of nature vid and some droneyass, dryass dude reading thoreau in a really bloodless earnest monotone.  terrible.

will try to resuscitate on fri with some robin-williams-in-dead-poets style vigor and 'fuck the man!  romantic poets/whacked out early american nature lovers/etc are the shit!'.  although i fear that walden vid is going to preclude any oh captain, my captain desk standin action.  man, i really want to be a good teacher.  i have it in me; it's not there yet, but i can feel it.  i'm really going to be good at this one day.

of course, all this is written in some serious procrastinations over grading.  (i make scowly face at pile of papers sitting in metal bin to my left).

and i'm exhausted!  turbo kick sucked the life out of me this a.m.  plus i had a nice glass of rendition zin with my dinner, so i'm all relaxed and sleepy and grading sounds like some unknown circle of hell.  so, leave it till tomorrow!  i'll be a nicer grader then anyway.

things i love right now that i never used to love or loved very long ago and rediscovered:

tuna melts (had one today!)
papaya with lime
mini baby bell gouda cheese
cut off or cropped cargo pants

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

big win/little win

the big win goes to a.e.v. who is now officially a doctor -- a post hole digger, piled higher and deeper, as it were.  super hurray to that!  

instead of taking this good hard work as inspiration to move forward in my own writin, i've decided to spend my day in indy, going to trader joe's and anthro.  after much thought and careful list making, it became clear that this is definitely the best day to go and that dissertation writing can happen this weekend.  but let's wait and see what actually happens this weekend to determine if my logics were really logics and not just procrastinations.

the little win was getting my paper on iris murdoch and the body accepted at PAMLA in nov.  so there's some motivation to finish that chapter. i also now have a lovely work-related reason to be in san francisco nov 6-7 next fall!  sf friends commence jen visit prep on my mark.

oh lords, i really have been watching too much bsg haven't i? 

Sunday, April 5, 2009

birth of the cool

still in major jazz mode around here.  ever since on the road i can't seem to get enough.  miles davis and charlie parker have totally got my heart. tho now it's blitz! gets mixed in.  

i am super exhausted and i haven't even done much to deserve it.  still need to finish all my thoreau reading for tomorrow blah.  man, i haven't picked up walden since high school.  wonder how it's going to run through my brain now that i'm all older and stuff.  but that 'Go confidently in the direction of your dreams!' kind of writing never gets old for a girl like me.

i had a nice bit of grocery shopping today and, since i'm all over the mahi mahi these days, am planning a blackened/grilled mahi mahi sandwich with spicy coleslaw for tomorrow's dinner.  we'll see how that works, but i'm excited.  

also dropped a decent amount of change at dick's sports (why do i keep calling it 'dick's last resort?') on workout biz.  got some boring-but-useful grey shorts for turbo kick, a hot pink sigg bottle (so ecochic!), and this futuristic white nike windbreaker thing that, in my estimation, is pretty awesome.  this makes me want to get my whole futuristic sportif summer look on.  stella mccartney for adidas calls my name -- weirdass sporty gear with way to many folds and angles in all manner of greys and pales LIKIN IT.

part of this is due to the general welcome-to-the-gun-show nature of bsg these days.  srsly, season three is essentially about how everyone has really great arms.

i want really great arms too!

Saturday, April 4, 2009


friday night in! saturday night out!

i usually prefer the opposite (fno/sni), because of my aversion to the sunday hangover. but what are you gonna do?  anyway, nice weekend.  spent friday night watching telly, eating pasta with zucchini, and cuddling on couch with the bf.  spent saturday night enjoying a little guinness at the nine irish brothers.  of course after three guinness i wanted to stay out and go to the black sparrow but everyone else was all aguafiestas and wanted to go home. sigh. but i stopped at speedway and got snacks and now i'm drinking some wine and eating hot n' spicy chex mix looking forward to some late night bsg with pretty baby. (btw, i've gotta take back part of my love for the starbuck b/c she's been lame beyond any kind of recognition lately. dummy.)

back in love with my life.  no more muck.  had a huge day in teaching on fri in which i almost totally cried but did not.  def out of breath and weird talking tho, trying to deal with very deeply held personal beliefs and navigating political/social/philosophical ish.  at first i felt like everyone in the class looked straight fucking down, like 'not gonna deal with this!' but then it turned into probably the most interesting and animated discussion i've had in years.  teaching is a ridiculously personal and draining job when you let it be.

also lost the lifemuck feeling b/c how can you have this dog and not be a super happy?


dog-friend is the cuddliest snoriest best reminder that everything is lovely and perfect.  nothing like a total wigglesworth excited furball jumping all over you when you come home to remind you that innocent happiness exists.  now if only i had a house and i could get a cat-friend!

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

existential upper?

wow, that turbo kick lady wasn't messing around this morning.  abt thirty minutes in, my face already beet red and the rest of me feeling generally melty and gaspy, she goes 'are you ready to get TURBO?' and then all manner of hopping, quick punching, and kicking happened.  and, while i might not have been the most coordinated turbo kicker, i did manage to keep going.  so yay for that.  i just finished half a pack of strawberry sour punch tho, so i may have undid something...

tomorrow is another writing day, so i'm trying to mentally prepare for the brain horror that will undoubtedly be getting back into the chapter.  NOT looking forward to that hard work.  would rather move away to spain.  maybe on the costa brava somewhere?  maybe downtown barcelona or in the middle of madrid or san sebastian?  all preferable.  iris murdoch's ghosty presence needs to come round and be a beneficent spirit.  i'm dragging feets and dragging soul.  

the word 'morass' keeps hovering on the outskirts of my consciousness.  ever get word-haunted?  happens to me occasionally.  this one is eerily spot-on.

must plan a way out of the emotional muck.  unfortunately, transporter 3 and sour gummy candies did not work.  this is a dire situation indeed.