Friday, January 30, 2009

i totally bought a frock yesterday

it has a scoop neck and crinoline even.  it is waaaaaay too sweet for the current 'bored girlfriend of a beat poet' look that i'm striving for but it was half off at anthro, so i couldn't help myself.  it may be too poofy for a party appearance this weekend but i will certainly be teaching in it come next week, below-freezing weather or no.  i do consider it a part of my job to give the kids at least something interesting to look at while i'm up there rambling in bizarre half sentences.  wink.

half of them hate on the road which is to be expected, i think.  it's plotless and rambling and you can't blame them for feeling frustrated with the meaningless quality to both sal and dean's choices.  plus there's the fucked up gender stuff and queasy love problems.  but i think there are a few (mostly dudes, a small smattering of ladies, and me) who still want to live in it, fight with it, writhe against it, and wake up next to it in the morning.  

maybe i'll put it in my purse this weekend and be a maniac in its honor.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

we won't stop

for reals, how can it only be tuesday night?  i'm so tired!  and so in need of a martini!  i want a french martini with a lemon twist from bistro 501 ahorita.  guess i have to wait.  there is a party this weekend and i am feeling the party already.  i did zero last weekend apart from readin and writin, so i'm feeling like i might end up being a little terror on saturday.  will try to keep it together.  mostly so i don't have a sunday hangover.  there's nothing as depressing as a sunday hangover.  esp when it frickin looks like communism outside.  everything's all grey and dirty snow and mid-70s depressing ass buildings.  feh.  

and, you know, i always think i want trouble when i get in moods like this, but when trouble actually comes i don't want it at all.  maybe kooky antics is what i want.  i should stop listening to le tigre before i start getting all 90s riot grrrl or whatevs.  but i can't stop!  i'm obsessed with the BBC evening sesh of hot topic:

Stop, don't you stop! 
Please don't stop
We won't stop!

Monday, January 26, 2009

spirit is a hard, tough baby

still haven't found the knack of teachering.  feel very stumbly and uneloquent in class these days.  sorta scattered, out of breath, jangly.  but i'm going to make some tweaks, some changes and see what comes.  i think i'm out of practice and i also forget that the first time you teach anything (read: the first time i teach anything), it goes sideways on you from time to time.

not that i didn't have fun with kerouac's opening day today.  i just keep thinking i could have done it better, more artfully, more mad drunken Americans in the mighty land, you know?  i want so much to be good at this and to convey the right info with the right vibe.  guess it's good that i have (potentially) a lifetime to get rockin.

got a reprieve on the celanire front!  deadline for the conference award was pushed to feb 15 sted feb 1.  which means i might be able to edit frankenpaper into maybedecentpaper.  i need to win some shit and put a party dress on the old cv.

also, i put one more paper flower on the string lights.  so, i've got that art thing covered.

for good night, let's look at aston martin's 2009 one-77.  it has a v12.  i drive a honda crv and it has a v4.

i find the older aston martins sexier (obvs), but this guy is a monster.  i think purdue wouldn't know what hit it if i could speed demon v12 myself to campus in the british batmobile here.

Saturday, January 24, 2009


how'd it get to be 1:30 almost and i've had hardly any fun and done hardly any work?  that's just not saturday night appropriate.  i've got a draft of my prf application ready tho.  that's something.  and i watched one video on the beats abt new york in the 50s.  kinda lames.  will watch another tomorrow and try to make the lecture better.  will also write that damn celanire paper.

well, no wonder i've had no fun.  all i can think abt and write abt is work.  and i only got six paper flowers on my twinkle lights before i got tired and stopped.  so now there's a windy string of fairy lights on my kitchen table that will probably sit there for a week gathering dust.  unless i can get motivated tomorrow!  feeling good, tho, feeling good.  and totes planning a whole course on 50s fiction.  i think that counts as fun.  i caaaaaaaaan't wait until i'm a real professor.  it's getting closer.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

hot jazz/real gone girls/wine drunkenness over the rooftops

yeah, i'm reading kerouac again.  if you can't tell already.  prepping for on the road next monday -- bought two dvds about the "beat generation," bought some charlie parker, totally feeling his spacey drunken bloodlust or whatever he's got going.  guess my art panic just ran headlong into a 50s bohemian youth monster.  so i'll be wearing all black and drinking jug wine for a while prolly.  getting whacked out on goofballs with teaheads or whatever those crazy mid-century kids were up to.  anyway, still gots some work before bed.  before i go, though, here's some writing advice courtesy of mr. kerouac.  just for kicks.

30 Essentials to Spontaneous Prose

1. Scribbled secret notebooks, and wild typewritten pages, for your own joy
2. Submissive to everything, open, listening
3. Try never get drunk outside your own house
4. Be in love with your life
5. Something that you feel will find its own form
6. Be crazy dumbsaint of the mind
7. Blow as deep as you want to blow
8. Write what you want bottomless from bottom of the mind
9. The unspeakable visions of the individual
10. No time for poetry but exactly what is
11. Visionary tics shivering in the chest
12. In tranced fixation dreaming upon object before you
13. Remove literary, grammatical and syntactical inhibition
14. Like Proust be an old teahead of time
15. Telling the true story of the world in interior monolog
16. The jewel center of interest is the eye within the eye
17. Write in recollection and amazement for yrself
18. Work from pithy middle eye out, swimming in language sea
19. Accept loss forever
20. Believe in the holy contour of life
21. Struggle to sketch the flow that already exists intact in mind
22. Don't think of words when you stop but to see picture better
23. Keep track of every day the date emblazoned in yr morning
24. No fear or shame in the dignity of yr experience, language & knowledge
25. Write for the world to read and see yr exact pictures of it
26. Bookmovie is the movie in words, the visual American form
27. In praise of Character in the Bleak inhuman Loneliness
28. Composing wild, undisciplined, pure, coming in from under, crazier the better
29. You're a Genius all the time
30. Writer-Director of Earthly movies Sponsored & Angeled in Heaven

oh screwball writers, thanks for writing.  

Monday, January 19, 2009

i need more arty bohemia in my life

i realized this fact when i almost bought this feather headband online last night:
a girl doesn't go looking to put feathers on her head unless she is in dire need of some artsy sensibility.  i opted for a hammam style towel which was on sale and is infinitely more practical while still having whimsical tassels.  tho maybe that practicality thing is what got me looking at erin barr headbands in the first place...

i suspect it's also this lack of art that was behind my craving for revolution cafe, etc in san francisco.  grungy with hipsters, yes, but still with some god damned style and a dash of the old double bird to stuffy prim richy rich commonplace baloney.  i want to be careful abt giving art cred to what is potentially a bunch of posers, but i'm so hard up around here i can barely tell the difference anymore. 

the bigger question, i guess, is what a student/teacher in the humanities is doing living in an art-free zone.  and i guess the big answer is that i've gotta take some responsibility and start arting it up myself.  in my work life and my personal life.  to that end, i'm going to open myself up to all kinds of potential mockery and sneering cynicsim by nerding it up big time this week in great american books.  we're talking about beauty and the remarkable and how awesome words are and why people need fiction even if i see eyes lolling to the back of heads and doodling in notebooks.  double bird to cynicism!  double thumbs up to letting people see you genuinely like something!

re: art in the personal life, don't know.  framed and hung some old vintage style postcards of hawaii in my upstairs loo.  that maybe counts?  this week i will also make some paper flowers for a string of twinkle lights like they have at bon.  will brainstorm some more ideas.

oh!  i did successfully cook and eat fish!  steamed halibut with marsala wine, lemon juice, and capers over whole wheat spaghetti with basil, lemon and garlic.  pretty good tho the halibut turned out a little chewy, i think.  this week is poached salmon with minted new potatoes, a dill-dijon sauce, and watercress.  if cooking isn't art, i don't know what is.  

Tuesday, January 13, 2009


so busy i don't know what to do

i was finishing up my first lecture on anzia yezierska for class when little b decided she needed to take a nap on my back.  pretty sweet.  if the image ever uploads, you'll see a picture above.

i'm freaking out a little bit tho b/c i know i can't let this class take up all my time.  there's the prf to apply for, the celanire paper to write and submit, the lit awards to revise and submit for, oh and that dissertation to write.  so if i fall off the face of the earth for a bit, i do apologize.  if i haven't fallen off in the next week or so and you find me on facebook more than two times a day, give me a push.  okay, time to download some klezmer music before bed.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

hoist that rag

it's time to start.

well, i'm done being nervous abt the semester but i'm not done being depressed.  maybe that will clear when the weather perks up a bit.

so i've had a lovely break overall and i'm pretty much ready to get back to it.  it will be a day by day thing for a while and then it will just be normal work whatever.  i'm def ready to get a more normal schedule up and running -- this staying up till all hours watching lost and the kill point is not the most productive cycle i've had.  but this brief bit of time in lafayette has been a good transition back to the regular world.  had a nutballs night out at the sparrow that ended up with all manner of confusion and one of our party (apparently) being carried out the door.  had another festive adryan party last night with happy and familiar faces, pina coladas, plenty of wine and tons of snacks.  

some things i'm going to do in this brand new semester

- teach great american books!
- cook fish (and eat it)!
- keep the apartment more tidy!
- write my dissertation!
- be a good exerciser!

because i have dreams to remember.  and even tho i'd rather be back at christine's drinking rose champagne and eating jarlsberg with crackers, all dressed up with the ladies, it's time to stop ignoring my future. 

and it's kind of fun!

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

head straight

a good night's sleep, some sunshine (far away as that sun might be), and some clearing of bureaucratic cobwebs is all it took to lift the fog.  felt much more chipper and generally alive today.  maybe not yet ready to call my vacation 'my vacation,' but at least not ready to sock someone in the nose or suck down five cocktails like they were water (like the other night with raves) but whatever.

i know that i have st. francis fountain and candy on my insides (metaphorically, if not still literally) with noisy pop bitches screaming out speakers, hipsters chic and hung over on corners stuffed in booths ordering potato things and no-huevos rancheros.  srsly, tho, those no-huevos rancheros are a thing of brilliance.

i have lorena and christine and dee and ludo and mills and kristen and russ and ci and m&d and the just downright beautiful san francisco thing roaming around in my blood.  dee's beautiful apartment, her valet parking, and her view are mixing up in crazy ways with revolution cafe and ti couz and waziema -- that brokedown beauty, dirty bathrooms, not-nearly-as-clean-as-chicagoness but waaaay more interesting thing.  how can coming back here not feel like some kind of loss?

but now i have the feeling of picking up beckett from the doggy spa (read: kennel, read: $455 ouch), of david (DAVID!) sweet quiet face in person, of poking my head in the empty classrooms i'll be teaching in come monday, and of the best things MLA had to say abt being a teacher and loving writing and how books can suck you in, envelop you, and then leave you a slightly different person at the end of it all.

and my brother got engaged!  to a foxy girl of tremendous class and style.  the future has clearly great and interesting things laid out as choices before us.  but more on all this later.  it's 5:30am here!

Sunday, January 4, 2009

the bright line between holidays and drudgery

is glowing more brightly with each passing day -- what with work hanging out there on the horizon.  i am sketching out some resolutions that may help me ease into job-life again.  but mostly though i'm grouchy at losing my sense of freedom and i'm finding it hard to put anything into words.  maybe writing when i'm sulky and have heart-shadow is not wise.

what is it abt this place that sucks the joy out of my insides?  god damn it!  i'm bored i'm itchy and annoyed and my lovely vacation has receded to some already way distant golden age where i felt some sense of promise.  one paragraph bitchfest:

my shower is leaking down to the first floor such that i'll probably find myself ass over teakettle on top of the television one day soon and my landlord just wants to ignore it.  the hallway smells like vinegar and apathy.  this town has no charm, no revolution cafe, no ti couz and no fun in it.

okay, time to stop and direct my energies toward something more productive.  at this rate, i'm going to be the most bitchface instructor anyone has seen for years.  off i go in search of some kind of inspiration.