Tuesday, April 29, 2008

i am 32 yrs old today

and this is what i look like today:

which is old. am contemplating various forms of plastic surgery/chemically burning off my skin to start with new skin. some people think this is wrong but i think that they are either a) young or b) aging well. i used to think that stuff was sick also. but now i think i'm very self conscious anyway and i DON'T WANT TO LOOK OLD.

but i've also had 3/4 of a bottle of wine and have not yet opened my presents so perhaps i am grouchy. today i took myself to indy for some sport shopping and found a few salesy type things at j.crew and a big, gold necklace that i'm now having second thoughts about. then d took me to maize for dinner which is my favorite in this town and then in a little bit i will drink more wine and open some presents. i thought i wanted to take some time to reflect on being 31 but it turns out i don't. with the broken eyeball and broken mom and whatever else bullshit, i will just tuck 31 neatly behind me. i will start by opening a bottle of something nice and that little stack of prezzies downstairs on my coffee table.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

a fairly decent size hurrah

is happening in my insides. i thought i might externalize it into a party but the end of the semester is just too hectic. maybe something in a few weeks tho.

so, yeah, i'm finally ABD! and now i feel so very incredibly unmotivated to finish my 601 key text project. it was fun at first to map out the classes i would want to teach but now i'm at the part of the assignment where i have to, like, explain myself and cite sources and whatnot and i find that i very much do not want to do it. i very much would rather sit downstairs and watch movies with my bf.

the defense itself was a little nerve-wracking but then d took me to dinner and then we took naps (friday night naps, baby. you should try it) and then went to hang out with jess and stephen and mehdi and tess which was the perfect amount of fun. the rest of the weekend was spent looking at student drafts, fighting hangover, &c.

now i'm all full of summer plans -- to be healthy and workouty and keep the apartment tidier and read all the books on iris murdoch that have ever been written (well, that one would prolly make me wanna kill myself, so maybe not that) and make a dentist appointment for myself and all those other things i've got knocking around upstairs. including working on my tito and the nails story and my jessica pepperpot story, both of which i'm still very excited abt.

but i still have that fear that i'm actually not a writer and so when i sit down to write my brain says over and over YOU'RE NOT A WRITER and then i chicken out. so another summer goal is to shut that little guy off in my head.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

school freak out # 9,565

nervous for prospectus defense tomorrow. it's midnight and i had a margarita and watched superbad instead of writing my introduction. now i'm just staring at my prospectus and willing time to fast-forward me through the beginning parts of tomorrow. it's not working yet.

but i'll do it (the prospectus, not the time fast-forwarding bit) and it will be fine and then i will get some cocktails and feel relieved. so, here's to efficaciousness! may i find it in the next 12 hrs.

oh, i took lucky magazine's advice and bought myself some laura mercier mineral powder makeup and i LIKE it! my skin's super sensitive and it hates makeup but lucky mag was totally right and this stuff seems to actually be making my skin look nicer (instead of nice for one evening and then like someone ran it over the next day). not that you want to hear abt makeup or whatever, but i want to give my support to products i like. seems cooler than advertizing.

anyway, now i'm gonna walk the dog and stare at my prospectus some more. let's hope nobody asks me anything hard tomorrow.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

michael cera has the sweetest face

except for this one student i had who had the most innocent baby face that he could have been in movies abt puppies and ponies and everything good in the world. but that's beside the point.

so, yeah, michael cera and jennifer garner save juno from utter attempts-to-be-cool oblivion. they both made me get teary while on the swisher. a sweaty, teary jen on an elliptical trainer is maybe not the kind of image you'd like in yr brains, but i wanted to express that juno has some nice sentiments, is all.

now i go to take a shower and to work on 601 key-text project (feh) and then on prospectus summary-introduction thingy (double feh).

but now that i'm a sephora beauty insider and they gave me a birthday present of body wash that smells like delicious cookies, the shower will at least be quite pleasant.

Monday, April 21, 2008

snorey monday

nothing new to report except for maje nervous stomach over prospectus defense on fri. this is mostly because i do not do well with the talking and/or answering shit on the spot. i'm a ponder-er and a writer more than i am a talker. which makes me a not-so-eloquent teacher and an uneasy student. and probably a god awful prospectus defender. but whatevs, come friday at 4pm, i will be drinking some sort of wooze-inducing beverage outside (rain or shine). i will probably send an email to this effect in the next few days, if you'd like to join in.

watched part of juno while on the swisher today and meh. i will withold total judgment till end of film, but so far i'm unconvinced of its brilliance. are we so starved for dialogue that we'll take a mountain of shit-talking as a substitute? i guess the older i get, the less i think that sarcasm counts as wit.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

spring feverz

i has them.

so it's finally nice here and i'm getting ants in the pants like crazy. i just want beach beach beach and afternoon beer sitting outside and mexican food and tan-ness and new dresses, parties, open windows. i mean, have you smelled the air outside? it's magic.

tonight the debate is between going out for martinis or staying in to watch juno and eat candy. both seem totally appealing as far as i'm concerned. i'm hooked on these bizarre willie wonka sour ropes they sell at blockbuster for 99 cents. i believe that they are sour lemon with cherry insides and they are sort of gross but somehow totally addictive.

also, i've been missing father nature's shed in danville and have been knocking off this sandwich of theirs like every day last week. it's not turning out as well, but it's close enough. nice multigrain bread, whipped cream cheese, black olives, tomatoes, avocado, walnuts, mixed greens, lotsa pepper.

well, phil just called and now the idea's in my head and in david's head, so out we go! time, now, then, to go put on my makeups and something sparkley.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

a little sad

finished last ep of sopranos tonight and i'm left feeling sort of empty and sad -- as usually happens when i finish a good book or tv series or whatever. lonely for the characters and such. but the ending sucked enough ass that i can kind of feel bitter. in just the same ways that last season of buffy was pretty crappy, last season sopranos was also pretty crappy. gotta say that buffy was worse tho, imo.

and i don't want to get all psychoanalytic death-drivey or whatevs, but it sure it does seem that the writing and directing takes a big fat downward spiral towards the ends of these things. all sorts of main people dying, getting eyes poked out, general dismal atmosphere. which is why i broke up with lacan years ago, really.

also went to indy this evening and did some shopping and some trader joesing and d read parts of the euripedes play hippolytus as we drove there and back which was cool.

and it seems as tho i have a prospectus defense date: april 25. yikes!

Saturday, April 12, 2008

omg, i just drank so much tropicana raspberry acai juice that my belly is distended.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

but he had escaped, he could breathe, on the giant back of the
sea he was breathing in waves, rocked by the great sun, at last
he could sleep and he could come back...

-albert camus, the first man

kicked it in the sun (part two)

got back from playa del carmen today with a pretty bottle of tequila, some earrings, two bottles of mexican vanilla for crystal and a sunburned chest. all in all a beautiful vacay. lots of swimming in terrifically blue water, drinking free fruity delicious cocktails, and getting spoiled rotten at a 5 star resort. i'm addicted to turn down service now. would it be totally wrong to ask david to tidy the bedroom, turn down the covers and leave me a mint before bed? the idea of someone slipping invisibly in and out of my room while managing to clean and leave candy just wows my brain.

of course all of this bundle of loveliness comes courtesy of the best best bestest bff ever invented in the history of worlds and universes. not only did deanna bring me along for the second year in a row, she's also the top sales rep on her team for the second year in a row. in addition, she's probably the prettiest person i've ever seen in real life and she's got no filter so she always says what's on her mind and doesn't take shit from people and is quirkier than shit. i have to admit that i was so proud of her that when she got called up front at the awards dinner to be congratulated, i got teary.

i'm sleepy now and totally delirious, but maybe tomorrow i'll tell you abt how i got stuck in denver last night and had to wake up at 4:30 to catch a 6:45 flight home and it was snowing. it's like the midwest had to kick my good time happy sunshine-ness in the stomach.

but not even a snow-kick to the stomach could get rid of the caribbean sea resort i've got in my insides: