Friday, November 30, 2007

it's friday night, it's 1am

and i'm in for the night. but whatevs, tomorrow is hanukkah with monica and i believe it will be rockin. not only is it in a poshy loft pad, it's right down the hall from me! fab fab fab. i also know that there will be (in addition to martinis and tasty snacky goodness) a strobe light and fog machine. and for a grad school holiday party, that's a real committment. so i'm bringing fun jen out for the night. that means full on drinking swearing dancing potentially vomiting on a bathmat telling you you're gorgeous winding up with mystery bruises dancing inappropriately with pretty much everyone somehow remembering to walk the dog at 5am and then passing out with all my clothes on. knowing that none of that will embarrass my boyfriend is only a tiny fraction of why i'm head over heels in love with him. knowing that he'll be right next to me doing 3/4 of that list is the other part.

oh, yeah, and he turned 32 on tuesday! so i bought him a nice coat from j.crew and took him to maize where we had the best salad in the world (the one with pecans, bleu cheese, apples, etc), split a bottle of seghesio zinfandel (which i love) and i had house-made manicotti with spinach and mushrooms and he had salmon and then we split an awesome creme brulee and he had a white russian and i had a hot buttered rum. my first hot buttered rum! i've always wanted one and i finally had it and it was SO GOOD. i'm not lying.

now i'm gonna watch csi and sleep for like 900 hrs.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

i must be feeling like a lady

cuz i'm obsessed with like 3/4 of the j.crew catalog that i got in the mail today. all those bateau sweaters and crisp italian coats and skinny argyle tops...yes, please! i'm also abt 10 seconds away from buying myself a blingy diamond letter j necklace from red envelope as a being done with prelims present. but that would be crazy and i'm not yet quite crazy enough to buy myself diamonds. have them given to me, sure. buy them on a grad school budget, not so much. or not yet...

but i'm all a-twitter because i found out from the lovely and talented j.ware that i get to pick up an extra section of 106 next semester and since it's a 4-credit class that means i get paid for full-time! that's an extra $600/month. i know it's totally gauche to talk abt how much money you make but whatevs. i'm so excited i don't even care, yo.

give me a couple years and i'm gonna have a huge ass pearlescent range rover L322 with enormous rims and that's just gonna be the car i drive my dog around in. i'll also have like a shiny purple 1976 chevy impala with the virgin of guadalupe airbrushed on the hood and hydraulics to drive to wherever i'm professoring and then a 1970 porsche 911T in eggshell white with a red leather interior for when i go out on the town. and a light blue vespa for scooting. whenever i just need to scoot, you know. like a lady.


Monday, November 26, 2007

well, ladies and gentlemen

she's done with prelims!!!!

i'm gonna go grade papers and then fall asleep until i have to teach.

then i'm never going to write abt prelims again.

except to say if i passed or failed.

unless i failed at which point i will probably run away to spain.

because i'd rather do pretty much anything than take those things again.

ciao!!!

Sunday, November 25, 2007

i'm feeling a special kind of crazy

right now. i just got my damn paper to an appropriate length and if i had fooled around any longer with margins and trimming quotations i probably would be swinging from the rafters of my apartment like some kind of crazy monkey.

but david just called to say he'll be here in like 20 minutes so i'm putting the paper down for a bit until i'm ready to take one last look at it.

thankfully i took a shower a while ago and changed my clothes. i've been wearing pretty much the same clothes for three days and, also, i ate grilled cheese and tomato soup for three days. i guess slovenliness and children's food make me comfortable in times of stress.

it's almost over tho.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

“I wish you weren’t giving up the world, after all what else is there”

as harvey says to bellamy in the green knight.

anyway, the writing is coming so slowly now. i don't think i've ever written so slowly. probably b/c i've never taken this much time with anything. i made the huge mistake of renting the movie iris with judy dench and kate winslet to sort of refresh me or motivate me or something. big effing mistake. unless watching someone get old and dotty and die are motivating to you, i guess. listen, biographical film type people: WE ALL KNOW THAT PEOPLE GET OLD AND DOTTY AND DIE. STOP SHOWING US! why not take a really fabulous, steamy part of old murdoch's life, light it up in stars and leave it at that? do i need to see her totter around in an old stained food-befouled cardigan? no, to answer my own question, no i do not.

i did, inadvertantly, refresh my interest in the paper by talking to little brother. he let me read chunks of prose while he stood in line at bevmo--now that's family. so, man, she really writes some luminous stuff sometimes and i think it's a pity that criticism of her work spends so much time on the more dire stuff. here is one thing i get to write abt (and let me please for the next 24 retain that sense of get to):

it's too long but i don't care. let me introduce you to titus who is, i think, the literary love of my life:

The boy, showing off of course, swam like a dolphin, graceful, playful, a white swift flashing curving form, giving glimpses of sudden hands and heels, active shoulders, pale buttocks, and a wet exuberant laughing face framed in clinging seaweed hair. His sea-darkened hair certainly changed his appearance, became dark and straight, adhering to his neck and shoulders, plastering his face, making him look like a girl. Aware of the effect, he charmingly tossed his head and drew the heavy sopping locks back out of his eyes and off his brow. He had the effortless crawl which I have never mastered, and in his marine joy kept diving vertically under, vanishing and reappearing somewhere else with a triumphant yell. Equal mad delight possessed me, and the sea was joyful and the taste of the salt water was the taste of hope and joy. I kept laughing, gurgling water, spouting, whirling. Meeting my sea-dervish companion I shouted, 'Now aren't you glad you came to me?
'Yes, yes, yes!'

(The Sea, The Sea 256)

Thursday, November 22, 2007

happy traditional non traditional

thanksgiving peeps. today i wrote prelims, ate indian food by myself (spicy vegetable curry, garlic naan, and one samosa), listened to dr. dre 'the chronic' really loud and drank several whiskeys. and watched broken english which was fine but not the best parker posey ever and also is the worst parts of being single rather than the best parts. but i guess when you're single you only know the worst parts and when you're in a couple you only know the best parts. now i'm going back to work. which sounds like a drag so i'll prolly poor myself another whiskey.

i think if iris murdoch were alive she would love me and if she loves me, she should make writing this prelim answer a lot easier. you know, that old broad is pretty hard to pin down. some writers say what they want to say but, with her, she makes you guess and then throws three problems at you once you think you've got something. what an ornery little scot, that one.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

back for a flash

to say prelims part one sucked a bit and prelims part two are much more chill. i got the questions i wanted and rowe wants no more than 15pp which is preferable to the 30 that i expected. by far, my friends. plus, this essay is fun to me. murdoch and material culture, so i've got a (more or less) fun writer plus writing abt food, collections, adornment, bodies and spaces. that's like an academic dream come true for jb.

if you've not read murdoch, my favorites right now are the bell and the green knight with the green knight in front. it has some truly beautiful sentences and a lot of thinking abt solitude, love, creative production, and family. (rssl read it!). i also like the sacred and profane love machine and the sea, the sea if you don't mind a little misery in yr prose. man, i'm dying for a writer without the misery! someone write something beautiful for me that isn't totally mired, if you know what i mean. something serious but beautiful and hopeful and gorgeous. if i had any god damned imagination, i'd write it for myself but i'm totally academically retarded at this point. too much theory. theory has completely fucked the creative impulses out of my soul. at least for now. i'll get back, swear to myself.

at any rate, this book called faulkner and material culture is really helping me out with the sort of general grounding i need for prelims part 2: planning the diss. so i'm gonna sign off and head in the direction of that book.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

pretty much brain dead

is how it's going over here. the great dive into the ceiling fan is my backup plan right now. but i got all the questions that i wanted so today has been much less painful than it could have been. i think i have abt 4 more hrs left in me altho i'd like to be done in 3. that gives me one more hr per essay and will put me in bed at 1am. totally respectable. so back to it.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

yipes

i pick up part one of the exam in 9 hrs. yipes.

Monday, November 12, 2007

crap-ass

is abt how i'm feeling right now. tired, drained, and emotionally wonky. i have not yet upgraded (downgraded?) my bad feelers to 'shit-ass' which, on my dad's scale, is much much worse than crap-ass. altho now that i've repeated crap-ass so many times i'm actually smiling. because that is a god damned funny word. it's even funnier when my dad says it in all seriousness.

at any rate, i'm clearly dreading los prelims. further, i believe my foul mood is also based on reading too much lacan in one sitting. i figured out that whacked out diagram for subjectivity and desire several months ago but now it just looks like a diagram for a ballpark. i'm convinced that the doctors were wrong over the summer and that i do have m.s. either that or i have a serious case of brain-rot. neither is good.

enough venting for the night. time to drag this sluggish brain back to the books. i will pick up harvey's the condition of postmodernity now to think abt postmodern connections to nature. or lack thereof. all my questions are blending together in my brain--like trying to keep the question on globalization/comsmopolitanism separate from the one on the potential for social formation in city space is slippery. and then city space bleeds into the nature question and it's all abt language and desire anyway so here's abt the point at which i want to take a dive off my upstairs ponywall into the whirling ceiling fan.

sabes?

Saturday, November 10, 2007

un petit problem

so, yeah, i have creative ways of treating myself when under extreme stress. today, i bought a bunch of shit from www.lcdpmarseille-usa.com. such as the super hot lingerie soap avec sexy goth lettering, the white on white scentless candle and cerise hand lotion. mostly because i like how words look on things i can actually use.

i also ate a bunch of twizzlers and drank like 3 litres of diet squirt and watched 3 eps of csi season two.

also, whit hand delivered my toys/potions/lotions from last week's party. treats! i'd say more but i don't want any family members to have to bleach out their eyeballs after reading my blogs. plus (and god i hope this isn't me) there are some people who's sexuality is just HORRIFYING and you'd rather die than imagine them in any kind of compromising position. there are several bloggers out there that write brilliantly and well abt a little bit of the shush, the bad but it's not me. and they're not writing abt those kinds of things anymore. not that i'm repressed or whatevs, i'm just not a good writer on that score.

anyway, i wrote this post to say that sometimes a girl just needs to buy a chic candle. and if that makes her feel like it's okay if she doesn't pass prelims, then a chic candle or whatever else stylish french shit she has to load up on, well then, that's just gotta be how it works for the time being.

m/mla

was much more fun than expected. and possibly the easiest, most comfortable vita line i'm ever gonna get. so, the caribbean lit panels were in a conference room around an enormous table and we all got to sit in big cozy leather chairs and drink ice water from pretty cobalt glasses. no one had to stand up even and the audience was almost entirely made up of the students from class. very comfy and low-stress. so we all just read our papers and i moderated a panel (for the first time) and it was all very happy and laughy and cool.

then we went to lunch and drank beer and talked abt wine and traveling europe and music and stuff. the prof was very complimentary to me and, since he's on my prelim committee, this makes me very happy. gotta love hughesy. plus, buffy told me she thinks i'm pretty. and since buffy is supremely gorgeous i take this as an enormous compliment. all in all, cleveland was good for the ego. *should not* have had those three drinks before the plane tho cuz i ended up with a ginormous headache and then had to drive home from indy at midnight all tired and headachey and whatnot.

but, tevs. i'm home and now i can focus on the prelims. this wednesday, people! holy shit! so i'm skipping the party at tess/anna/jon's to actually write. all i accomplished on the plane to cleve was a bunch of arrow drawing to move around paragraphs and fuzzy note taking.

maybe i'll blog more later as a distraction from writing.

Sunday, November 4, 2007

dreamy sunday

what a spaced out day today was. hungover (surprise, surprise) from last night's sex-toy-party-turned-lafayette-bar scene, i barely managed to make it to borders. while there i found four magazines and an urgent desire to pass out on the floor. then i came home, took a nap with beckett and david and read two magazines in bed while drinking purple gatorade. then we ordered indian food and watched part of 'jet lag' with jean reno and juliette binoche. so far, it's meh. then i typed like two sentences on one of my prelim questions before returning to my bed to talk to miller.

but we had plenty to discuss! this friday, sarah and matt got engaged! nutso. it still hasn't entered my head that they're going to be married like real live grown ups. but i'm excited for them and excited that i will have a wedding to attend, even if it won't be for a year or two. makes me want diamonds of my own. sort of. but who's ready for happily ever after? not me, not yet.

maybe i should have bought them some engagement gifts at whit's last night! not that i needed to make any more purchases, having dropped a little over a hundred bucks on assorted lubes, pheromones and one mystery his and hers "heightener." who knows what that even means? i also bought something called a 'tool belt' that looks intriguing but might require a little convincing.

anyway, even tho i felt horrible today (in a very acute, physical sense) i also felt like a very lucky girl who has a really pretty fun life with lovely people in it. and if i feel this pleasant now, how will i feel on nov 26th at 9:00am when i turn in that bastard of a prelim? pretty damn good, i'll wager.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

russell's on to something

talk abt blah-g. the only words that come out when i open my mouth are: prelims, prelims, and prelims. totally dullsville.

there is whit's special ladies only toy party on saturday to look forward to and a potential trader joe's run to indy but that's abt it.

otherwise, it's just me, my piles of books and my obsession abt losing my eyesight. fun times! what'll really be fun is thanksgiving break when david goes to visit family and i'm trapped in my apartment for the 7-day prelim. by the time he comes back, i'll probably be hanging from the rafters talking gibberish.

FUCK! i'm in a bad mood. and not because of you. and not because of prelims. let's just call it the current state of shit around here. i'm annoyed.