Thursday, September 27, 2007

major migraine action

was yesterday. i took my relpax and passed the eff out. then i woke up, felt good and did the dishes. yay for relpax! except for the weirdass tightness of chest and shoulders and hurtiness of lips. weirdola. but that passes within an hr. and i had gracious students tho who totally let me teach with the lights off.

yesterday i also fell in love with gershwin's lullaby for strings which is the most charming, soothing thing i've heard in forever. and i don't even like gershwin. you should listen to it before bed.

oh, and i found the exemplar section from the political unconscious for why i find it so dull! now, it does occur to me that i might do better to watch my mouth more on this blog, but whatevs. so here's the sentences:

'the moment of rationalization, then, is weber's equivalent of marx's notion of the universalization of equivalent labor-power, or the commodification of all labor; yet if we see the latter subterranean infrastructural process as the objective precondition for the former developments in the relations of production and throughout the superstructure there need be no particular inconsistency between the two accounts.'

shoooooot, that's boring.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

good tuesday

today was rather nice and pretty productive. i'm getting my prelim questions together and picking out the books i want to use in my answers. and i did the elliptical today which always makes me feel more together. soon, i will know what a certificate of origin is and will figure out how to get one. then, i can register my car in indiana instead of driving around with expired arizona tags.

i feel grateful for little things today, like omg on yahoo b/c they have celebrity pictures for me to look at. like how, in my dream during a late afternoon nap today, beckett didn't ultimately fall off this really tall tower she was climbing on. like how david looks really cute making grilled cheese and tomato soup in his black t-shirt and black adidas lounge pants. that kind of stuff.

anyway, i do better emotionally when i pay attention to the smaller things. i tend to get easily overwhelmed by the looming responsibilities, you know. even if they loom small like the dmv (or bmv, as indiana has it) or like how my keys smell oddly and resiliently of onions. for reals and for serious, i can't make my keys stop smelling like onions. i even soaked them overnight in a bowl of dish soap and scrubbed at them with disinfectant towelettes. it's getting ridiculous over here. i'm not even kidding. did you put the onion smell on my keys?

Monday, September 24, 2007

half a monical's pizza

& three glasses of wine makes a girl feel sick and really sort of guilty. this is what i discovered tonight. i did some stuff today, got some stuff accomplished and all that but something's sort of wrong. probably it's that i've gotten into a really unhealthy cycle. also i read too much jameson today and abt an hr or so of marxist literary criticism at a time is really all i can handle before i wanna conk someone over the head. if i have to read abt character-function instead of characters and author-function instead of authors somebody's gonna end up with a smack in the face. i am, apparently, feeling violent this evening.

anyway, i will try to stop grumping on this blog all the time. i'm not sure what has gotten into me.

love ya bye.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

cold pasta just saved my life

i am so hungover that i don't know how anything is ever gonna be okay ever again.

i brought a bottle of woodford reserve to the party last night and thus drank whiskey all night long. and a couple o white russians since it was a big lebowski theme. and a huge gross shot of vodka that winship made everyone drink. and raven told me she had to hold my boobs while she took the shot so she did.

then i talked my boring drunk talk abt my dog and weight watchers to poor unsuspecting bystanders. then we danced and somehow winship ended up on david's back like a monkey and then we took a cab home. when i woke up the tv was on, there were chips all over the table, my wallet on the floor with all the cards spilling out and also a menu for chinese food on the floor. plus i'm still wearing the shirt i wore last night and i can't get the mascara and eyeliner off from under my eyes even tho i've washed my face twice.

good party. i might die.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

mod/con and phil/lit

so today was pretty cool. i finished showing 'trekkies' in my comp class (which meant i didn't have to actually teach anything), i graded stuff for tomorrow, and i went to the first mod/con meeting which i'm totally emotionally !yay! abt. i wish it were in place two years ago when i came to this lonely town but, hey, what're you gonna do? and since this new group coincides with aev's dicta abt the importance of service on ye old curriculum vitae, i figure it must be time to 'get involved.' i am, as a rule, not a joiner. but this group involves talking abt lit, helping each other out with the whole getting-through-grad-school process, and drinking heavily after meetings so i'm all aboard. now all i have to do is to convince everyone to buy vespas, get matching literary tats while rocking black liquid eyeliner and we will have formed the band of mod readery peeps i've always dreamed of.

at any rate, i enjoyed a couple of guinnesss with that lot before picking up david and heading home for pasta&wine thursday. oh, and some toasted baguette, olive oil and balsamic which is the new awesome treat for me.

tomorrow means yay for weekend and yay for a party since the d and i are venturing out to west laf for samantha and alden's joint birthday party. since it's primarily philosophy people, i expect to have an interesting evening. in fact, i think i might devise a safe word just in case. you never know with these philosophy types.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

getting it together

starting tomorrow.

for reals tho, there are like 900 things i need to deal with and i just end up watching heroes for three hrs at a time. i was on the old elliptical this morning and i took a look around my apartment and just abt died at how cluttered, covered with dog hair, filled with papers and just generally disastery everything was. and i've let the rest of my life pile up all around me too. when the errands (like registering my dumb car in indiana b/c my az tags have expired, calling the insurance company abt yet another set of mystery bills, taking beckett to the vet for new allergy meds, etc) pile up, i feel increasingly crazy and increasingly bad. how have i not learned my lesson abt procrastination yet? at least i learned my lesson abt procrastinating doctor's appointments; i don't do that anymore.

plus, i'm a total fat ass now. yup. fat assssssssssss. i just can't seem to get a handle on myself right now and it's very frustrating. so maybe this writing it out will help with the motivation. i absolutely hate feeling like everything is wheeling off in a million directions; it makes me feel overwhelmed and frizzy and scattered like i can't concentrate on one thing for very long. so to the end of feeling more like an efficacious human being, i took out three bags of trash today (even tho the dumpster by my house is VERY smelly), i cleaned off the disaster that was my kitchen island and i did two loads of laundry. tomorrow, i will do more small things.

is it kind of weird that somehow drinking more water also seems like a sensible part of the plan? i must be dehydrated or something. or maybe i'm just going crazy.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

thumbs down for sundays

i hate sundays very much. especially when they come with a hangover like they did today, courtesy of jameson and guinness and a couple of mfas. thankfully, david was hung over too so we just lazed around and cuddled up until we both felt better. my ultimate hangover cure = black coffee, ice cold coke or coke zero, grilled cheese and one of those frozen blue ice mask things. also, the eventual submersion of yrself in some kind of water situation. if you don't have access to a pool or ocean, then a really long shower. esp if you have a sugar scrub on hand (props to aev for introducing me to the bath+body works kind). oh, and my extensive hangover cure research has uncovered the fact that a late afternoon or early evening makeout sesh makes a dramatic difference.

so does cooking it turns out. my chili loves cornbread experiments have yielded the following vegetarian variation on nigella's version (which is available on http://www.foodtv.com/):

-2 onions, chopped
-2 bell peppers, chopped
-2 cloves garlic, minced
-1 habanero, minced (or 1 tsp cayenne pepper)
-1 big can diced tomatoes (28 oz?), drained
-1 small can corn (i used half a bottle of some trader joe's corn salsa tonight)
-1 small can sliced black olives
-3 cans beans (i like 1 can black beans, 1 can pinto, 1 can white kidney beans)
-1 tsp cumin
-1 tsp chili powder
-1 tbsp cocoa
-1/4 cup ketchup
-salt and pepper to taste
-1 package corn bread mix

so, in an enormous pot (i note here that all my family members have awesome le creuset pots EXCEPT FOR ME), sautee bell peppers onions garlic then dump rest of ingredients in and let the whole thing bubble for a while (approx two-glasses-of-wine in alcoholic's time). meanwhile, preheat oven to 400 and mix up corn bread mix. then pour cornbread mix on top of chili and put the enormous pot in the oven for +/- 40 min until the cornbread is that nice brown color and a knife poked in the middle comes out not covered with uncooked cornbread slime. then let it cool down for like 5 min and eat in a big bowl with sour cream and guacamole (these are totally key).

even tho this sounds like something that frickin semi homemade bitch might make, it's awesome enough that i crave it. plus, you can totally be more o.g. and soak beans overnight, make cornbread from scrach, &c.

anyway, time for me to do some reading. tonight i start jameson's the political unconscious even though i fear that marxism before bed may not be a good idea.

Friday, September 14, 2007

yeah it's friday yeah yeah yeah

i am finally out from under that pile of grading. i feel like a free girl again. and now that i'm free and the weather's beautiful outside, i think i'm gonna take a big fat nap. you heard me.

i got horrible sleep last night. not only was beckett drooling bulldog spit on my feet, she was also kicking me and then david got up at like 5 to get gatorade or something and then i just couldn't get back to sleep and when i finally did i had a HORRIBLE dream. david and i were stuck at a wedding reception in a haunted house with threatening demon people and dangerous poltergeisty bathrooms. we had to kill a couple of the demon things and then my mom came to save us on a pastel yellow vespa. i've never been happier to see anyone ever, even in my waking life. so do some freud on that shit.

anyway, i'm exhausted but happy. i have the whole weekend to read and i finally won an ebay auction (ebay's like drugs cuz it makes you feel like you've won something when really you're just buying it), so i have an awesome white leather coach bag coming to me sometime soon. i also got $5000 in loan money direct deposited this morning so it's time to go get some drinks on the man. and maybe some nice indian food; i am effing dying for vegetable curry and samosas. and there may be a trip to trader joe's in indy in the near future. i've been totally craving nigella's chili loves cornbread.

oooh, and i have two more discs of heroes season one to watch. yay for fridays!

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

save the cheerleader, save the world

is now my new motto for teaching freshman english classes.

Monday, September 10, 2007

i should be grading papers

but i don't wanna. at least not yet anyway. this afternoon i had grand plans of exercising and grading at least 10 papers. now i just want to watch heroes on dvd and drink the rest of the cab i started with dinner. maybe i'll compromise and grade five papers and finish the cab. as long as i don't finish the cab first, i'm good. more than one wine before grading = extra bitchy teacher. i also picked up another british fiction survey from ILL today so there's that to look forward to. blech. i miss summer when i let myself read only fiction.

so the weekend was sort of blah. i totally PMSed david on saturday night by getting ultra grumpy, insisting that there's nothing fun left to do in the world and then falling asleep on my bed with all the lights on until 6am. luckily, i think he digs me enough to overlook bitchfest 2007 and also he totally fell asleep next to me like 5 min after he said we should go to the bar. and, people not from lafayette, i really do mean BAR. there's one that's decent. and i'm still bored of it and i don't even have pms anymore.

but school's pretty cool. my students start their ethnography project on weds with a test-run by going to observe/eavesdrop on people at pmu. it's always pretty fun to see what they come up with. and not to be too geeky, but i am looking forward to reading what they've come up with for their first paper. it's just that the big stack of them is sort of daunting. but, hey, i actually have a job that makes me want to work hard. and when i work hard, it's for them--each individual little writer--and for me cuz the more i grade, the quicker i get at finding writing problems.

like right now, i'd say i have a transition problem. cuz i got outbid on a bag on ebay and i'm bummed but it in no way relates to my previous paragraph. also, i find nicole richie so effing funny and i just love her mod styles here:



i would totally give me a C on this post b/c it's rambly and has no conclusion.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

being is process

finished the bruce fink finally. i def feel that i understand lacan better now but i guess i also feel like his loopy logic and false dichotomies are even more obvious. which makes him harder for me to write abt seriously. but i guess prelims are for expressing knowledge rather than expressing opinions abt that knowledge. so, we're golden. now i'm starting dominic head's british fiction 1950-2000 or something snorey sounding like that. tevs. at least i'm not confronting someone who thinks human existence is ultimately characterized by lack.

one good thing abt lacan tho is that he seems to get my ideas going, even if they end up being directed against psychoanalytic theory. not that i don't daily struggle with my own mental health. i mean, i'm in grad school in the humanities--where schizophrenia is an encouraged mode of being, the fragmented subject is taken for granted, and reality is typically viewed as a construct even tho we're all still expected to teach and get As and feed ourselves and pay our bills and maintain ethical human relationships. plus, as many times as i've written abt deleuze's BwO, nobody gives a shit when their mom is in intensive care. anyway, i guess i wanna say that i'm happy that i'm not as confused and fucked up and emotionally uncomfortable as i was (not so many years ago) abt never being satisfied, abt always chasing after something i couldn't quite get, more or less consumed by a weird aggression that i still can't really explain right.

argh, i'm sick of school. i wanna make art. i'm tired of being the armchair chick or whatever. i wanna move to spain and write books for a while by the beach. cuz language is not secondary to me, it's totally of-the-body and does not separate me from the world. on the contrary, language is, like, the thing that makes me want to get up in the morning.

let's quit and go to spain.

but we can all bring our boyfriends and our dogs.

Monday, September 3, 2007

the long weekend

was just the sort of blissful laziness i imagined it could be. even tho i spent most of it pretty well stoned off of cold medicine, i had a nice time. one highlight was going to dinner at maize last night and having a really fun bottle of seghesio zinfandel. another highlight was buying three fashion mags (well, two fashion and one home) and reading them all in a day with coffee in my favorite black sleeper dress from anthro. i think d and i watched, like, at least 10 hrs of 24 this weekend and got totally sick of it. that show has some really dumb ass plot lines.


i'm finishing up 'lacan to the letter' tonight and tomorrow, i think. right now i'm learning how the phallus equals the square root of negative one. and earlier, lacan zonked my brain with this:


this, of course, is the complete graph of desire. who knew it was so complicated?