Wednesday, June 6, 2007

tentative happy

so yesterday was just basically a nice day--nothing tremendous, nothing even great--just sort of smooth and good. i'm surprised at how amazing i feel tho. but maybe it's not so surpising. because after a bunch of really pretty horrible days, a plain normal one is more than palate cleansing. it's like it opens up the world again.

the weather was beautiful and sunny and cool and borders had all the magazines i wanted (bust, nylon, domino and living etc!), i ran at celery bog, i ate soup and grilled cheese with tomato and dijon. i talked to my mom for 45 minutes abt nothing in particular. i had a rare but beautiful indiana moment driving my boyfriend's black jetta home from celery bog at sunset, bumping old modest mouse and drinking a big evian by myself.

i know that we're not supposed to value the lack of something negative. like, avoiding heartache or pain or whatever is not the same as actually experiencing something constructive; managing to avoid suffering is not achieving anything positive or of real value. but sometimes the absence of pain is the most beautiful feeling ever invented. it's why i secretly like hangovers--you feel horrible and shitty and sick and godawful until late afternoon and then that pain haze lifts and you get that blissed out, i actually feel like a human being again feeling.

so, like kenzaburo oe might say, 'je suis de nouveau un homme.' i feel like i'm coming out of something without any protective gear though and i'm hesitant to start thinking that things are just going to behave and everyone is going to get better. i feel vulnerable. but i feel weirdly fresh and sensitive right now too. open enough to overwrite on blogger, it appears.

tonight it's spinach artichoke lasagna, bottles of wine, red leaf lettuce salad and baguette. right now it's typing up a precis for 'poetics of space' to stay on top of that reading list. and tomorrow seems like a whole world of possibilities.

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