Friday, June 29, 2007


hi it's friday

not that days of the week mean anything to me anymore. it's summertime--basically the only good thing abt grad school other than winter break. summertime means that i sleep until 2 and i never know what day it is and it doesn't usually even matter what day it is. what matters is that i have my car back (and thus my independence, my freedom and my soul) and that i'm officially half way through infinite jest.

i am def slogging through that giant motherfucker. i find it funny. i find that i'm compelled to utilize its bizarre jargon in common, everyday speech. i know that i'll miss many of the characters after 1000+ pages of hanging out around them and up in their lives and (often drug-addled) psyches. but i don't love it and its incessant digressions make it bloated.

also, i think postmodernity is dead. thankfully, i have for a semester or so thought of myself as stuyding contemporary world lit rather than postmodern american lit. phew. cuz pomo american is, like, an HIV+ dinosaur. totally on its last legs. i still love pynchon and i can really appreciate dfw. but, peeps, if you write you should get to writing b/c something new has got to be on the horizon. reading the really, explicitly postmodern stuff now is like having to watch a bazillion different reincarnations of reality bites. good at first but now it's just the same tricks over and over again and less amusing every time. plus, its not the 90s any more. just please please please don't bring me post-secularism as an appropriate response, please.

yes, i've had a bottle of coppola rosso but, no, i don't think this is a vino tinto invective. it's just that the standard pomo stylings are beginning to give me the howling fantods. hah. see, literary inside jokes--even when i'm anti-pomo i'm pomo. or is that more of a modernist trait? i need out of school; my brain's in circles.

so it must be time for the knickerbocker and manhattans.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

got my car back today!

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah! i also just watched school of rock so everything is a crazy old rock riff in my head right now. i feel totally free bird. more tomorrow.

Sunday, June 24, 2007


the lake and stars

i watched 'rumor has it' with david last night and it made me think, again, abt how much i hate romantic comedies that revolve around what i would (in academic-speak) call the narrative of settling. several of these movies come to mind and i'm sure there are more but i'm thinking specifically of high fidelity and beautiful girls. i really like both these movies, btw, but i hate hate hate the endings--that we're asked to leave the theatre (or be stuck on our couches, in our homes) with characters who choose really-pretty-nice-but-not-at-all-exciting complacency over the fireworks-but-impractical character. false dichotomy! false dichotomy! false dichotomy! as though daily life precludes a passionate connection. like fireworks are limited to just really wanting to sleep with someone for the first couple of months. feh! reality and real love and gottahaveyou can all exist together and (fuck you movies!) i'd prefer a tall whiskey and infinite solitude to even the whisper of walking down the aisle with mr. he'll-make-a-good-dad.

i'm not retarded; i know that really, meaningfully incorporating another person into daily life is hard and that people are complicated and come with rumpled slacks and old knickers and habits that are both peculiar and irritating. but i refuse to believe that accepting those things means saying goodbye to the idea of a great, explosive love--that sense that you're with someone who can completely change your life, who you'd crawl across glass in yr nicest pair of thigh high stockings for, who really just has to be the last person you talk to before you fall asleep. and i sure as shit don't want to waste two hrs of my life watching a movie that urges me toward emotional suburbia.

anyway, they're a pet peeve of mine, these movies. i'll let it go now and get back to infinite jest which i put down for a few days to read margaret drabble's the waterfall. maybe later on i'll take as my rant topic novels that feature neurotic women who lack both a sense of purpose and a sense of humor. but i suppose that's a pet peeve for another time.

Friday, June 22, 2007

a little less than totally productive

but not exactly shiftless either. my web site is almost done and my reader is also almost done. i'm content with that for the time being. tonight we ordered monical's and watched part of a shitty romantic comedy. we haven't ordered pizza in more than 6mos for sure and it was bloody awesome. totally the best thin crust pizza locally available. it's no lucca's in bloomington or ascona in blackhawk or even zachary's in berkeley, but it'll do for my midwestern sojourn. anyway, the movie sucked so bad that both david and i decided we'd rather read. so here's to friday night craziness! i just got margaret drabble's 'the waterfall' in the mail today so i'm abt to strip down to my knickers and crawl in bed with a nice pellegrino. then maybe later i'll take a couple benedryl so i can manage to fall asleep before 4am. i've got big farmer's market plans for tomorrow in the late morning, you know. siiiigh.

i blame my lack of drunken bar craziness on the fact that there is nothing going on in this town. if i had a new bar to try and money to try it with, i would def drag david out of the house, margaret drabble novel or no. look at me, defending myself to myself and to the internet. like, insisting "i'm fun! i am fun!" but god, i haven't felt fun in the go out and drink and laugh and maybe topple over, maybe flirt with some girl bartenders in effing forever. i want to make some improvements in that aspect of my life. i don't feel well rounded unless i access that drunk and noisy part of myself on a regular basis. man, the sf peeps better put their drinking shoes on and lace them up tight. by the time i get out there in august i might be totally bonkers. at least there's also a mid-july trip to chicago for some good time fun nightlife adventures.

for the time being, though, it's midnight and i'm in for the night. blahwistful.






Thursday, June 21, 2007



played tennis yesterday for the first time in quite a while. i suck again but it was very fun to get out and run around (even though i still swing and miss with the jenny-one-eye thing). in a related vein, i saw my neuro-ophthalmologist on tues. i wish it were as sexy to have a neuro-ophthalmologist as it is to have, say, a morally casual psychiatrist or pharmacist or something. i mean, in the sense that they might give you fun prescription meds not in the might-sleep-with-you sense. and anyway, i get a creepy religious vibe off dr. s; the guy is 40 tops and has six kids. a little weird. at any rate, i did some whacked out vision testing and it was very fun to see how much my eye has improved. it doesn't hurt anymore and i can see a lot more than i could a month ago (for instance, before i could only read the big E on the vision chart but now i can see, mas o menos, until row 6). i still have one bad spot where he can shine a really bright light and i can't see it but he thinks it should get better over time. i have to go back for an mri in 6mos to make sure i don't have ms and if i don't (which i'm sure i won't) i don't have to have another one for a year. fab.

i'm planning to make today one of those get serious days where i actually work hard instead of considering 'work' to be lying around in my knickers reading tiny bits of infinite jest and then taking breaks to look for art on the internet. given that it's 2:30pm and i've only just walked the dog and had my first cup of coffee, i have some catching up to do.

will start my productivity sesh with a peanut butter and banana sandwich and will hopefully end the day having finished putting a reader together for fall. i'm also going to commit to having my teaching web site done by tomorrow. yipes.

Monday, June 18, 2007

so unmotivated


it seems like a foot-half-in-day to me. half here, sort of not. i had the hardest time making myself do pilates. makes me almost miss the antsy anxiousness of the roids. at least then i got shit done. well, let's be fair, myself...i did get stuff done today. lots of school type errands and i finally returned adryan's volatile bodies and 'the bird and the bee' cd. plus we had a nice (if heartburn inducing) lunch in the west laf. and i returned my rental car and read some infinite jest at royale. so, in all fairness, the only thing i had difficulty getting myself to do was roll around on the floor making awkward shapes with my legs to some woman in full body spandex who sounds like sarah jessica parker. and, really, no one wants to do that.

but siiiigh nonetheless. i've got lackadaisicality. the air's out my sails. i'm feeling eyeoreish and yawny and vaguely like in a day or two i might want to punch someone in the face. ah! i must have pms. funny how i forget abt that every month until i feel craptastic for no good reason and my boobs hurt and then i'm like, omg, no wonder. so there we have it. mystery solved. which reminds me, i'm beginning a list of all the products/services/companies i would totally spokesperson for regardless of monetary reward. rough draft version:

1. weight watchers (anything that helps a girl lose 47 lbs is going to earn lifelong devotion.)
2. nuva ring (birth control you only have to remember once a month? why, i'm sold!)
3. haig's spicy hummus and hummus from the nile restaurant in hyde park (hummuses, you're the best.)
4. san pellegrino bubbly water (i litterbug the bottles all over my apt but i secretly think it's okay b/c the bottles are so pretty to me, like art. as long as they're the glass ones and not the plastic ones, of course.)

this is a short list, i know. but i'm trying to be very particular.

sometime this week i'm going to bleach my own roots. this is very scary for me as i'm not typically good at these types of girly things. the larger, underlying question is: how long should i keep the front parts of my hair purple? is it time to grow my hair long and dark again? i'm attached enough to the purple to keep it for a few more months. i will be asking for opinions on this shortly.

Friday, June 15, 2007

and also

yesterday i had something called a tea sparkle at argo tea and it was very wonderful. if you have access to an argo tea, you should get one and ask for the mango/white tea version.

if i were a pixie or some other kind of crazy creature, i might like my name to be tea sparkle.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

they say a close mouth don't get bit

today was really lovely. even more lovely in the glow of the three stiff margs i finished with (before, around, after) dinner. i'm beginning a lifelong quest to find my perfect margarita. david said i will never accomplish this task because i have not accepted the beauty of introducing diet squirt into the margarita situation. i am a purist and i think that he's wrong. i tripped him up tho in the discussion b/c of the "my perfect marg" thing. this is for me, not you. if i want 3 oz. cuervo silver, 1 oz . triple sec, the juice of one lime and three glugs of margarita mix, i'll be damned if you say otherwise. and lots of ice and lots of salt.

anyway, had a fab lunch with sarah in downtown and then bought some ridiculous dresses at anthropologie. one 60s sheath dress with whacked out white banana leaf print on a brown background and one black loungey slip for house loungery. if you don't hang with me in my apartment (and i guess only beckett and david do) you don't know that i'm obsesessed with comfy lounge wear. anthropologie is, like, the best place to shop for these things b/c nice stuff is always on sale.

i also bought a bowl and two mismatched glasses from crate n' barrel. mismatched house gear is the way to go. it's so boring if all yr stuff is the same, right? better if it matches in the sense that you love it and you chose it.

i think i got sunburned at lunch. i think i only slept for 4 hrs last night and i know i drove for four hrs today. i'm a little punchy. let's talk tomorrow; i need another marg.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

good accompaniment for exoticism

seems like everything is holding. i've been reading, not really exercising, decorating my office, making plans. oh, i also had bilateral breast ultrasound day last friday and doctor lady said that i officially do not have breast cancer. (!) waiting for doctor to read ultrasound results while laying half naked, half propped up on a weird triangular pillow with slimy ultrasound lube on yr bosoms is a potential ptsd moment for sure. but then she said it was no biggie so i cleaned up and drove away and had sandwiches with david.

i've also recently added some odd things to my 'eventually want to do' list such as 1. make a chandelier and 2. have a moon garden (a part of yr garden dedicated to white/silverish night blooming flowers). i don't have a garden and i probably won't for years and i actually kill most plants, even the ones that are near impossible to kill like ivy and cactus. but it sounds very romantic and mysterious to me so i just can't help daydreaming abt some chilled out cocktail party for two in the moon garden. anyway, i also bought myself some peonies at trader joe's yesterday and, in so doing, realized that my taste in flowers is changing. i usually like very simple, planty flowers like tulips and calla lilies, etc b/c too much petaliness seems excessive and sort of indecent. but those peonies just tickle me to no end right now. when i bought them they were tight round bunches, like little flower rocks. today, they are hot pink ruffley puff balls. and i love it! makes me want to rethink ranunculus (adorably enough, also known as 'persian buttercup') but that might be too much too fast.

i finished iris murdoch's the bell and really liked it. even though murdoch always has to kill someone. i have a hard time understanding why i feel so satisfied after reading a murdoch novel but i think it has something to do with how full i feel her books are. they always examine some idea or set of ideas (this time we had religion, homosexuality, maintaining a sense of self in marriage) and they are always packed with tons of material descriptions (food, bodies, collections of things, houses, water). it's that materiality that interests me most these days (and hopefully no one else since it's what i'm writing my dissertation on and i'm paranoid that someone is going to publish a book on this before i get out the gates).

and last saturday i walked myself to the farmer's market and bought a ton of really excellent tomatoes. i forget how bottom line, god damned awesome home grown tomatoes are. really. next to my moon garden, i will have tomatoes.

tomorrow i get to visit chicago to shop and have lunch with sarah. i'm super excited. in other charming news, last night david and i drank a bottle of cotes du rhone that had this pretty precious description:

"a wonderfully fruity red wine with violet, spices and chocolate aromas. excellent served with braised red or white meats. it is also a good accompaniment for exoticism or spicy dishes." too cute.

ps--here are those peonies. and a (much coveted, i know) glimpse into my downstairs loo.

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

tentative happy

so yesterday was just basically a nice day--nothing tremendous, nothing even great--just sort of smooth and good. i'm surprised at how amazing i feel tho. but maybe it's not so surpising. because after a bunch of really pretty horrible days, a plain normal one is more than palate cleansing. it's like it opens up the world again.

the weather was beautiful and sunny and cool and borders had all the magazines i wanted (bust, nylon, domino and living etc!), i ran at celery bog, i ate soup and grilled cheese with tomato and dijon. i talked to my mom for 45 minutes abt nothing in particular. i had a rare but beautiful indiana moment driving my boyfriend's black jetta home from celery bog at sunset, bumping old modest mouse and drinking a big evian by myself.

i know that we're not supposed to value the lack of something negative. like, avoiding heartache or pain or whatever is not the same as actually experiencing something constructive; managing to avoid suffering is not achieving anything positive or of real value. but sometimes the absence of pain is the most beautiful feeling ever invented. it's why i secretly like hangovers--you feel horrible and shitty and sick and godawful until late afternoon and then that pain haze lifts and you get that blissed out, i actually feel like a human being again feeling.

so, like kenzaburo oe might say, 'je suis de nouveau un homme.' i feel like i'm coming out of something without any protective gear though and i'm hesitant to start thinking that things are just going to behave and everyone is going to get better. i feel vulnerable. but i feel weirdly fresh and sensitive right now too. open enough to overwrite on blogger, it appears.

tonight it's spinach artichoke lasagna, bottles of wine, red leaf lettuce salad and baguette. right now it's typing up a precis for 'poetics of space' to stay on top of that reading list. and tomorrow seems like a whole world of possibilities.

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

my mom's home from the hospital!

major double hurray fabulous wonderful extra fine super awesome lovely wonderfulness. i made her a big card with a sharpie and lots of shiny stickers because i'm still a little kid and i refuse to grow up in any way that asks me to give up stickers or sweet sentiments.

more later. things are on the mend around here, for reals.

Friday, June 1, 2007

june one

i talked to my mom today! she sounds like she's been bound and gagged with plastic devices for two weeks, but hearing hear voice was the best thing ever invented. i totally cried b/c i'm a sappy girl who can't keep it together anymore but she's just gonna have to deal with that for the time being.

i am totally committed to making june a good, fun, productive, healthy month. i am going to make myself read, even if i have to do it with the crazyass eye patch that my dad sent me as a (sort of) joke. i am going to make myself exercise b/c even tho david makes me feel like a ball of sexy squishyness, i know it's mostly just ball of squishyness (and prednisone, motherfuckers! that stuff will make a pruney, coked out, oxycontin popping lindsay lohan retain water).

i've made a list of all the drink specials at my favorite bars in town and a list of potential sites for adventures. 8 west has free appetizers from 5-7, big black leather chairs and a really nice french connection martini. downstairs at the lcg has lovely ice cold stella in pretty glasses if you wanna come read books and drink beer with me in the late afternoon sometime. i'm also going looking for lakes and other assorted bodies of water. so send me a txt or an email if you'd like to get in on some good time fun memory adventures.

now i'm gonna eat some waffles cuz they totally help bring the fun.