Monday, May 28, 2007

i miss

it's one of those rainy summer days where all yr plans to go for a nice long walk get busted. there are plenty of things to be done inside--throw out student papers from a year ago, go through all my class notes and organize, etc. but all that sounds like the lamest of the lame. i've watched too many old movies, i don't have tv and if i play scrabble again i might just flush all the damn vowels i get down the toilet.

i'm still trying my hardest not to freak abt my mom's health. but i find myself crying at the least thing or for no reason like yesterday when i came up the stairs with a pile of clean white laundry. i miss when i lived at home and she used to wake me up in the morning by opening my blinds and bringing me a cup of coffee. i miss senior year in high school when we would go to lunch and see a movie on wednesdays. i still believe she's going to be fine. if i didn't, i wouldn't be in this shithole of a midwestern town. (plus, my dad said i'd just get in the way. thanks to papa b for keeping it real). they have her intubated now and barely conscious but i know that's better for her than being all anxiety ridden. they might be able to start treating her on tuesday when they get a blood test back. i just want things to turn around. i just want even the first sign that she's getting better. i just want to hear her voice on the phone, even if it is sick and scared.

i miss all sorts of things today. the rosie's crew in bloomington-normal for all the crazy nights and happy hangover mornings, dinner at lucca's, walking dogs with aev in the mornings in our pajamas with coffee like the whole town was our front yard.

i miss all the dinners with chida and lorena in san francisco, when no boys ever seemed to like me but it only sort of mattered.

i miss freshman year in college with sarah when no one else in the world could make me laugh like her.

and i miss dee but i just miss her all the time so i guess that's normal.

maybe i'll just go out and jog in the rain after all. sitting around wishing things were different has to be one of the worst feelings ever.

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