Wednesday, December 12, 2007

free bird

i'm definitely feeling the freedom even tho i haven't finished my grading yet. today i went to indy for some holiday shopping and narrowly avoided dropping a money bomb on j.crew basics. they have very cute scarves, enamel bracelets (i got one of the big black and white ones), coats and those damn bateau sweaters. instead, i dropped a baby-sized money bomb at anthropologie on a wacky dress to wear to sarah's holiday party. it has waaay more character than any of that j.crew stuff anyway. and it's another wacky dress to add to my wacky dress collection. i also got some little stud earrings in the shape of pink roses. awwwww.

but much fun has been had lately. i especially liked last friday when we thought all fun was lost at 1am when no one was out at bistro. but then david, phil and i showed up at paul and whit's and found a party happenin. and whit invited beckett over so even the puppy got to play. plus, bk was a little grouchy feeling i think and kept mumbling things like 'i'm gonna eat yr face off' or, alternately, 'i'm gonna bite yr face.' which was infinitely amusing to me and might soon be incorporated into my own speech patterns. hard to figure tho who would appreciate that kind of talk and who might not.

apparently people are out tonight as well. but first i need to eat (pasta or spicy stir fry?).

fun stuff to look forward to--coffee with my dissertation director on friday to talk prospectus plans and then sarah's party in chicago. yay.

Friday, December 7, 2007

and the last two words abt prelims are:

high pass!!!!

yay. i'm so happy and relieved and whatever it's all behind me now. and now that i've passed, i promise i won't just conform and join the whole hazing culture myself. instead, i can work on tearing down the whole hierarchical bullshit system from the inside out. oh, did i say that in a public forum? what i meant to say was that i still need to defend my dissertation prospectus. but that's next semester and tonight i will go out to some bars to celebrate jumping through the biggest hoop i've ever jumped through.

and there are a few things happening--some philosophy type peeps are going to spurlocks and some dance type peeps are going to bistro 501. i may try to do both. but first i will take a big, fat nap.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

not too much happening

but i'll post anyway. the borscht turned out pretty well altho if i made it in the future, i'd probably incorporate some elements from barefoot contessa's recipe. even david liked it tho and he had some initial trepidation. after stirring the big wooden spoon around in the pot a couple of times, i believe he said, "well, this looks wacky as shit, babe." but then he went back and got more so it must not have been too bad.

meeting somaieh for lunch at bistro 501 tomorrow which should be nice and girl talky. i like that restaurant except for that it looks like the insides of some crazy country grandma. too many chicken/rooster type decorations.

what else? i'm staring down the last two days of teaching for the semester--that's pretty damn cool. then there's adryan's birthday party this sunday. a potential trip to indy to look for a birthday present for sarah and an outfit to her holiday party for the following weekend. so it's all parties and lunches and snowy sidewalks here in the midwest. i'm gonna try my hardest not to go all amy winehouse at the parties too. mostly because i'm afraid all that misbehavin is going to get me wrinkled before my time.

oh! and every december they string little white lights on the dome-y top of the courthouse here and i can see them all sparkley and cheery from my window. that's nice.

Monday, December 3, 2007

"look at all this beauty in the world"

says a letter to this month's nylon mag. indeed, fan letter-writer, indeed. a full 48 hr recovery time later and i too am back with the beauty angle. not that i lost it really or ever could but i get a little depressed when i'm hungover or over-sensitive. like, d and i watched this scary movie last night and it made me feel kind of sick to my stomach and sad. i can't handle too much when i'm hung over. but i guess everything does seem sort of fragile and beautiful too.

at any rate, i'm back with the robust beauty thing and just o.d.-ed (jesus fuck, how do you spell that?) on fashion mags. ugh. mary-kate may be doing her own special fashion boho thing but it was waaay too much for my eyeballs right now. she just blew out my brain. i had to go wash the dishes from dinner to get the image of her wearing fucking ostrich feathers or peacock feathers or whatever out of my head.

but i'm all clear now. and all prepped for my very first attempt at borscht-making tomorrow night! i bet david can't wait for that one. hah. i'm stoked tho. last month's bust had a recipe and i'm gonna give it a whirl. with a nice salad, some black bread, a side of mashed potatoes and a big glass of red...mmmmhhhmmm. it's time for borscht. i'll let you know how it goes.

Sunday, December 2, 2007


so now i know that dirty martini + several glasses of mulled wine + regular wine + appletinis + a whiskey = toppley jen. it was not a pretty scene there at the end of the night for old jb. i do think i did everything that i listed on the last post though so at least i'm consistent. now i think it's time to tuck fun jen back deep in the psyche and try to be a healthy, reasonable girl for a while.

it shouldn't be a problem considering how crappy i still feel now and it's almost 11 in the pm. tired of feeling crappy. so here's to the new health!

Friday, November 30, 2007

it's friday night, it's 1am

and i'm in for the night. but whatevs, tomorrow is hanukkah with monica and i believe it will be rockin. not only is it in a poshy loft pad, it's right down the hall from me! fab fab fab. i also know that there will be (in addition to martinis and tasty snacky goodness) a strobe light and fog machine. and for a grad school holiday party, that's a real committment. so i'm bringing fun jen out for the night. that means full on drinking swearing dancing potentially vomiting on a bathmat telling you you're gorgeous winding up with mystery bruises dancing inappropriately with pretty much everyone somehow remembering to walk the dog at 5am and then passing out with all my clothes on. knowing that none of that will embarrass my boyfriend is only a tiny fraction of why i'm head over heels in love with him. knowing that he'll be right next to me doing 3/4 of that list is the other part.

oh, yeah, and he turned 32 on tuesday! so i bought him a nice coat from j.crew and took him to maize where we had the best salad in the world (the one with pecans, bleu cheese, apples, etc), split a bottle of seghesio zinfandel (which i love) and i had house-made manicotti with spinach and mushrooms and he had salmon and then we split an awesome creme brulee and he had a white russian and i had a hot buttered rum. my first hot buttered rum! i've always wanted one and i finally had it and it was SO GOOD. i'm not lying.

now i'm gonna watch csi and sleep for like 900 hrs.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

i must be feeling like a lady

cuz i'm obsessed with like 3/4 of the j.crew catalog that i got in the mail today. all those bateau sweaters and crisp italian coats and skinny argyle tops...yes, please! i'm also abt 10 seconds away from buying myself a blingy diamond letter j necklace from red envelope as a being done with prelims present. but that would be crazy and i'm not yet quite crazy enough to buy myself diamonds. have them given to me, sure. buy them on a grad school budget, not so much. or not yet...

but i'm all a-twitter because i found out from the lovely and talented j.ware that i get to pick up an extra section of 106 next semester and since it's a 4-credit class that means i get paid for full-time! that's an extra $600/month. i know it's totally gauche to talk abt how much money you make but whatevs. i'm so excited i don't even care, yo.

give me a couple years and i'm gonna have a huge ass pearlescent range rover L322 with enormous rims and that's just gonna be the car i drive my dog around in. i'll also have like a shiny purple 1976 chevy impala with the virgin of guadalupe airbrushed on the hood and hydraulics to drive to wherever i'm professoring and then a 1970 porsche 911T in eggshell white with a red leather interior for when i go out on the town. and a light blue vespa for scooting. whenever i just need to scoot, you know. like a lady.

Monday, November 26, 2007

well, ladies and gentlemen

she's done with prelims!!!!

i'm gonna go grade papers and then fall asleep until i have to teach.

then i'm never going to write abt prelims again.

except to say if i passed or failed.

unless i failed at which point i will probably run away to spain.

because i'd rather do pretty much anything than take those things again.


Sunday, November 25, 2007

i'm feeling a special kind of crazy

right now. i just got my damn paper to an appropriate length and if i had fooled around any longer with margins and trimming quotations i probably would be swinging from the rafters of my apartment like some kind of crazy monkey.

but david just called to say he'll be here in like 20 minutes so i'm putting the paper down for a bit until i'm ready to take one last look at it.

thankfully i took a shower a while ago and changed my clothes. i've been wearing pretty much the same clothes for three days and, also, i ate grilled cheese and tomato soup for three days. i guess slovenliness and children's food make me comfortable in times of stress.

it's almost over tho.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

“I wish you weren’t giving up the world, after all what else is there”

as harvey says to bellamy in the green knight.

anyway, the writing is coming so slowly now. i don't think i've ever written so slowly. probably b/c i've never taken this much time with anything. i made the huge mistake of renting the movie iris with judy dench and kate winslet to sort of refresh me or motivate me or something. big effing mistake. unless watching someone get old and dotty and die are motivating to you, i guess. listen, biographical film type people: WE ALL KNOW THAT PEOPLE GET OLD AND DOTTY AND DIE. STOP SHOWING US! why not take a really fabulous, steamy part of old murdoch's life, light it up in stars and leave it at that? do i need to see her totter around in an old stained food-befouled cardigan? no, to answer my own question, no i do not.

i did, inadvertantly, refresh my interest in the paper by talking to little brother. he let me read chunks of prose while he stood in line at bevmo--now that's family. so, man, she really writes some luminous stuff sometimes and i think it's a pity that criticism of her work spends so much time on the more dire stuff. here is one thing i get to write abt (and let me please for the next 24 retain that sense of get to):

it's too long but i don't care. let me introduce you to titus who is, i think, the literary love of my life:

The boy, showing off of course, swam like a dolphin, graceful, playful, a white swift flashing curving form, giving glimpses of sudden hands and heels, active shoulders, pale buttocks, and a wet exuberant laughing face framed in clinging seaweed hair. His sea-darkened hair certainly changed his appearance, became dark and straight, adhering to his neck and shoulders, plastering his face, making him look like a girl. Aware of the effect, he charmingly tossed his head and drew the heavy sopping locks back out of his eyes and off his brow. He had the effortless crawl which I have never mastered, and in his marine joy kept diving vertically under, vanishing and reappearing somewhere else with a triumphant yell. Equal mad delight possessed me, and the sea was joyful and the taste of the salt water was the taste of hope and joy. I kept laughing, gurgling water, spouting, whirling. Meeting my sea-dervish companion I shouted, 'Now aren't you glad you came to me?
'Yes, yes, yes!'

(The Sea, The Sea 256)

Thursday, November 22, 2007

happy traditional non traditional

thanksgiving peeps. today i wrote prelims, ate indian food by myself (spicy vegetable curry, garlic naan, and one samosa), listened to dr. dre 'the chronic' really loud and drank several whiskeys. and watched broken english which was fine but not the best parker posey ever and also is the worst parts of being single rather than the best parts. but i guess when you're single you only know the worst parts and when you're in a couple you only know the best parts. now i'm going back to work. which sounds like a drag so i'll prolly poor myself another whiskey.

i think if iris murdoch were alive she would love me and if she loves me, she should make writing this prelim answer a lot easier. you know, that old broad is pretty hard to pin down. some writers say what they want to say but, with her, she makes you guess and then throws three problems at you once you think you've got something. what an ornery little scot, that one.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

back for a flash

to say prelims part one sucked a bit and prelims part two are much more chill. i got the questions i wanted and rowe wants no more than 15pp which is preferable to the 30 that i expected. by far, my friends. plus, this essay is fun to me. murdoch and material culture, so i've got a (more or less) fun writer plus writing abt food, collections, adornment, bodies and spaces. that's like an academic dream come true for jb.

if you've not read murdoch, my favorites right now are the bell and the green knight with the green knight in front. it has some truly beautiful sentences and a lot of thinking abt solitude, love, creative production, and family. (rssl read it!). i also like the sacred and profane love machine and the sea, the sea if you don't mind a little misery in yr prose. man, i'm dying for a writer without the misery! someone write something beautiful for me that isn't totally mired, if you know what i mean. something serious but beautiful and hopeful and gorgeous. if i had any god damned imagination, i'd write it for myself but i'm totally academically retarded at this point. too much theory. theory has completely fucked the creative impulses out of my soul. at least for now. i'll get back, swear to myself.

at any rate, this book called faulkner and material culture is really helping me out with the sort of general grounding i need for prelims part 2: planning the diss. so i'm gonna sign off and head in the direction of that book.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

pretty much brain dead

is how it's going over here. the great dive into the ceiling fan is my backup plan right now. but i got all the questions that i wanted so today has been much less painful than it could have been. i think i have abt 4 more hrs left in me altho i'd like to be done in 3. that gives me one more hr per essay and will put me in bed at 1am. totally respectable. so back to it.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007


i pick up part one of the exam in 9 hrs. yipes.

Monday, November 12, 2007


is abt how i'm feeling right now. tired, drained, and emotionally wonky. i have not yet upgraded (downgraded?) my bad feelers to 'shit-ass' which, on my dad's scale, is much much worse than crap-ass. altho now that i've repeated crap-ass so many times i'm actually smiling. because that is a god damned funny word. it's even funnier when my dad says it in all seriousness.

at any rate, i'm clearly dreading los prelims. further, i believe my foul mood is also based on reading too much lacan in one sitting. i figured out that whacked out diagram for subjectivity and desire several months ago but now it just looks like a diagram for a ballpark. i'm convinced that the doctors were wrong over the summer and that i do have m.s. either that or i have a serious case of brain-rot. neither is good.

enough venting for the night. time to drag this sluggish brain back to the books. i will pick up harvey's the condition of postmodernity now to think abt postmodern connections to nature. or lack thereof. all my questions are blending together in my brain--like trying to keep the question on globalization/comsmopolitanism separate from the one on the potential for social formation in city space is slippery. and then city space bleeds into the nature question and it's all abt language and desire anyway so here's abt the point at which i want to take a dive off my upstairs ponywall into the whirling ceiling fan.


Saturday, November 10, 2007

un petit problem

so, yeah, i have creative ways of treating myself when under extreme stress. today, i bought a bunch of shit from such as the super hot lingerie soap avec sexy goth lettering, the white on white scentless candle and cerise hand lotion. mostly because i like how words look on things i can actually use.

i also ate a bunch of twizzlers and drank like 3 litres of diet squirt and watched 3 eps of csi season two.

also, whit hand delivered my toys/potions/lotions from last week's party. treats! i'd say more but i don't want any family members to have to bleach out their eyeballs after reading my blogs. plus (and god i hope this isn't me) there are some people who's sexuality is just HORRIFYING and you'd rather die than imagine them in any kind of compromising position. there are several bloggers out there that write brilliantly and well abt a little bit of the shush, the bad but it's not me. and they're not writing abt those kinds of things anymore. not that i'm repressed or whatevs, i'm just not a good writer on that score.

anyway, i wrote this post to say that sometimes a girl just needs to buy a chic candle. and if that makes her feel like it's okay if she doesn't pass prelims, then a chic candle or whatever else stylish french shit she has to load up on, well then, that's just gotta be how it works for the time being.


was much more fun than expected. and possibly the easiest, most comfortable vita line i'm ever gonna get. so, the caribbean lit panels were in a conference room around an enormous table and we all got to sit in big cozy leather chairs and drink ice water from pretty cobalt glasses. no one had to stand up even and the audience was almost entirely made up of the students from class. very comfy and low-stress. so we all just read our papers and i moderated a panel (for the first time) and it was all very happy and laughy and cool.

then we went to lunch and drank beer and talked abt wine and traveling europe and music and stuff. the prof was very complimentary to me and, since he's on my prelim committee, this makes me very happy. gotta love hughesy. plus, buffy told me she thinks i'm pretty. and since buffy is supremely gorgeous i take this as an enormous compliment. all in all, cleveland was good for the ego. *should not* have had those three drinks before the plane tho cuz i ended up with a ginormous headache and then had to drive home from indy at midnight all tired and headachey and whatnot.

but, tevs. i'm home and now i can focus on the prelims. this wednesday, people! holy shit! so i'm skipping the party at tess/anna/jon's to actually write. all i accomplished on the plane to cleve was a bunch of arrow drawing to move around paragraphs and fuzzy note taking.

maybe i'll blog more later as a distraction from writing.

Sunday, November 4, 2007

dreamy sunday

what a spaced out day today was. hungover (surprise, surprise) from last night's sex-toy-party-turned-lafayette-bar scene, i barely managed to make it to borders. while there i found four magazines and an urgent desire to pass out on the floor. then i came home, took a nap with beckett and david and read two magazines in bed while drinking purple gatorade. then we ordered indian food and watched part of 'jet lag' with jean reno and juliette binoche. so far, it's meh. then i typed like two sentences on one of my prelim questions before returning to my bed to talk to miller.

but we had plenty to discuss! this friday, sarah and matt got engaged! nutso. it still hasn't entered my head that they're going to be married like real live grown ups. but i'm excited for them and excited that i will have a wedding to attend, even if it won't be for a year or two. makes me want diamonds of my own. sort of. but who's ready for happily ever after? not me, not yet.

maybe i should have bought them some engagement gifts at whit's last night! not that i needed to make any more purchases, having dropped a little over a hundred bucks on assorted lubes, pheromones and one mystery his and hers "heightener." who knows what that even means? i also bought something called a 'tool belt' that looks intriguing but might require a little convincing.

anyway, even tho i felt horrible today (in a very acute, physical sense) i also felt like a very lucky girl who has a really pretty fun life with lovely people in it. and if i feel this pleasant now, how will i feel on nov 26th at 9:00am when i turn in that bastard of a prelim? pretty damn good, i'll wager.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

russell's on to something

talk abt blah-g. the only words that come out when i open my mouth are: prelims, prelims, and prelims. totally dullsville.

there is whit's special ladies only toy party on saturday to look forward to and a potential trader joe's run to indy but that's abt it.

otherwise, it's just me, my piles of books and my obsession abt losing my eyesight. fun times! what'll really be fun is thanksgiving break when david goes to visit family and i'm trapped in my apartment for the 7-day prelim. by the time he comes back, i'll probably be hanging from the rafters talking gibberish.

FUCK! i'm in a bad mood. and not because of you. and not because of prelims. let's just call it the current state of shit around here. i'm annoyed.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

my chrysler building

so i'm tired but i thought i'd share at least a glimpse at last night's festivities. here's me as marge:

and here's my chrysler building going down the stairs:

super wonderful.

Friday, October 26, 2007

halloween parties are coming

and i am nursing a serious death wish. this may well be a bad combo.

but i will be marge simpson and marge simpson is too much of a lady to bring a whirling dervish rampage of built up stress and rage to some nice mfa or phil student's fete.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

delillo is a cali-hater

so i'm putting together answers to my prelim questions now and one is on contemporary representations of landscape/ecological disaster. last night i was collecting quotations from white noise and found this:

"Only a catastrophe gets our attention. We want them, we need them, we depend on them. As long as they happen somewhere else. This is where California comes in. Mud slides, brush fires, coastal erosion, earthquakes, mass killings, et cetera. We can relax and enjoy these disasters because in our hearts we feel that California deserves whatever it gets. Californians invented the concept of life-style. This alone warrants their doom" (66).

sounds to me like delillo's a hater and couches his hateration in the mouths of characters. i don't hate you california! i love you! and i wish you weren't burning down. kim, mills and soandso are really my only friends in socal these days but that's already three too many people to be stuck around clouds and ashes. plus, kim comes with a husband and baby and miller comes with some dogs and a man. i don't know what or who s&s comes with these days but the grand total of people i need to worry abt is already at capacity.

here's a better, more fun quotation tho from winterson's written on the body (my sexiness and desire question) when the gender-free narrator is finally reunited with her/his lover:

"This is where the story starts, in this threadbare room. The walls are exploding. The windows have turned into telescopes. Moon and stars are magnified in this room. The sun hangs over the mantelpiece. I stretch out my hand and reach the corners of the world. The world is bundled up in this room. Beyond the door, where the river is, where the roads are, we shall be. We can take the world with us when we go and sling the sun under your arm. Hurry now, it's getting late. I don't know if this is a happy ending but here we are let loose in open fields." (190).

love it! i am such a sucker for obsessive love novels. ooooh, that might be a fun class to teach! we could do love in the time of cholera, ada or ardor, what else?

Monday, October 22, 2007

who would've guessed?

it's monday morning and i actually feel better. i just made a list of all the things i need to do this week (which include going to the indiana dmv--blech--and going to the lady doctor for an annual exam--double blech) but everything seems supremely doable.

i guess i just needed a night of really horrible, fitful sleep where i kept waking up feeling alternatingly itchy and completely panicked.

the truth is, strong black coffee and kashi waffles cure most anything.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

trying to keep it together

prelims are looming and i've the tight chest feeling of near-hyperventilation. or heart attack. you know, whatevs.

i've been reading and drinking too much lately. my eye feels wonky and tired. i have a new image that pops in my head when i can't fall asleep (this should amuse/horrify russell since the last one seemed weird enough). anyway, it used to be that when i couldn't fall asleep i would imagine my head getting smashed in by an enormous hammer over and over again. it kinda helped me stop thinking so much. well, now, i imagine a huge sword lopping off my head at the neck which flings my head into a metal garbage can--you know, that old school kind that oscar the grouch lives in? it also lands in there with a resounding thud. maybe these are the sorts of things a girl should keep to herself.

so, yeah, i'm really holding it down over here.

i expect i'll feel better when i actually start writing.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

this weekend went by too fast. maybe that's cuz yesterday was land of the vicious hangover day. yeah, what happens when i don't have many social outlets and then there's an mfa fundraiser at the knickerbocker is that i drink several martinis and then at least three, maybe four jamesons. some three a.m. pizza and c.s.i saved my ass tho. i had a screaming headache on saturday but no sickies. so that's something to be grateful for i suppose.

for halloween party i'm gonna practice something called 'limits' to see if i know them. i used to, but good. now it seems not so much. anyway, tevs. if occasionally boozing it up like a total boozer is gonna get me thru the emotional toil of school, so be it.

tomorrow is officially one-month-to-prelims day. i've done all this research and looked thru a bunch of my books to find quotations and finished my questions but i am literally scared to start typing. scared, like weird feeling in my stomach scared. i guess b/c i know that figuring out exactly how to answer these dumb questions is going to be confusing and painful. and i kind of like the pre-writing phase where it all seems possible but i don't have to deal with pain of actually doing it.

but write i must! if you could send me good vibes for a month and two weeks tho, i would really appreciate it.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

the second beauty

of a long weekend is the short week that follows.

so here i am, only two days into the school week and tomorrow's already friday. what glory. plus, mis estudiantes are doing el peer review tomorrow which means i won't be doing very much of that crazy "work" business. glory part 2: the beauty of being at the front of the classroom.*

not that the weekend promises to be special; my s.o. already informed me that this is to be a working weekend what with the due date of some kind of kant paper on the horizon. sounds fine to me tho since i have my own ducks to line up or whatever the saying is. making progress tho, making progress.

also, what do people get boys for birthday presents? i'm stumped. i mean, i wanna get something useful or, rather, not useless. but also personal but not icky sweet or anything. this is so difficult!

anyway, g'nite. i'm sleepy.

*not one to ever sell myself short, the real work comes again on monday when i get the pile of papers.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

ghosty got here today!

it looks pretty ridiculous up here in my already crowded bedroom but whatevs. here's a pic (not my apt of course, altho i do have a strikingly similar black candelabra):

i was totally right abt having a backrest. it's lovely.

i was a pretty good girl today: went running at c-bog, did some prelim writing and watched 'reign on me' with don cheadle and adam sandler. i liked it a lot, really. it's not that often that you see movies abt intimacy between male friends and i find it very endearing. don cheadle does such a good job at being funny and vulnerable and annoyed and concerned. i think he's pretty fabulous.

got drinks with somaieh last night at 8 west which was good times. i give myself 2 more hang outs before i stop being sort of nervous tho. i'm never that great at hanging out with new people. i talk abt school too much and fidget.

i made philly cheesesteak without the steak tonight and pasta salad and both were tasty and totally blast from the past. the whole dinner just reminded me of my parents and living at home and how much i miss them b/c they're awesome. i can't wait for brother bear to be on school lifestyle so we can all hang at the same times. i will never give up school lifestyle--even if i have to go back to teaching community college. it just helps me have my life like i want it.

i can't stop thinking abt writing fiction lately. probably b/c prelims are looming. but it's gonna happen, even if it takes the rest of my life.

Monday, October 8, 2007

oh hangover

i've been drinking too much instead of working on prelims. and i have tentative plans to meet up with somaieh tonight for bottomless sangria at bea one.

well, i guess hangovers and overwriting is what happens when you drink too much. and drinking too much is what happens on a long weekend. inevitable, non?

Sunday, October 7, 2007

lullaby for strings

if i knew how (or if you could teach me), i'd link gershwin's 'lullaby for strings' to this post so that you could listen to it while you read my champagned version of what it's like for me to listen to it right now. which i'm totally doing. reading this post without the song is really totally pointless so i don't know. i mean, as far as i'm concerned, the rest of gershwin is completely pointless so i would never advise you to buy a cd. i did and the only reason i don't regret it is that i'm obsessed with this song. so, i guess you should email me and i'll send it to you via gmail.

anyway, david and i made the number one tonight which is not some weird sex act but is, instead, a traditional backman family dinner. steak, caeasar salad and baked potatoes. minus the steak for me of course. turns out the d doesn't drink as much champagne as me, so i'm like twelve sheets to the wind. and all i want is more champagne. but there' s no more champagne and here's what i think of 'lullaby for strings.' oh and you should drink a bottle of champagne before you read this so that you're not all judgey and shit.

makes me think of a humid night, couples twirling outside, dancing under twinkly lights. a quiet and slow happiness, very light, very charm and smiles. maybe a girl has a blonde bob with messy curls and charcoaly eye makeup and a chic but ruffley white dress. gardenias and honeysuckles and champagne but late at night after most of the party has died down and only the late night whiskey drinkers are left but they're in their most sweet nostalgic moods so instead of throwing things they breathe deep with sort of heavy hearts.
but, really, i guess i hear myself the first time i heard it. on npr by myself totally alone in my honda crv. i'm waiting quietly sort of spaced out with the windows down on a humid indiana night outside of david's place while he goes to get some sort of school stuff he forgot to get earlier. beckett's in the backseat but i feel totally alone and totally myself with one bare foot propped on the dashbboard.

also i think if i ever had a daughter i would play it for her incessantly. i mean, i'm more passionate about writing a book right now than i am abt getting a daughter. but you can't play a sweet song like this for a book, can you?

oh, email me for the song! i can't bear that no one else has heard it!

Thursday, October 4, 2007

umm, so, yeah

bought the chair. if i ever complain abt being broke now, don't listen. i'm obviously the kind of girl who can buy a nonsense chair instead of further paying down her credit card. one of my lawyer friends in san francisco who makes tons more money than me still uses a cardboard box to hold her toaster. and here i am buying a 'minimalist icon' on the government's dime.

i'm not fretting tho, i'm super excited to get it. mostly because it has a back and arms, unlike the stool i use now which is giving me a grandma hunch back and hurty shoulders. plus, i really don't want to buy anything that's throw away if i can avoid it. i mean, my bedroom furniture is my auntie's newlywed furniture from the 40s. i love that--the idea that she lived her life and folded her shirts and put them in that chest of drawers and now i'm putting my probably less perfectly folded shirts in there too. anyway, gives me a good continuity feeling and a feeling that i don't have to surrounded by shoddy ass ikea clapboard. maybe 60 years from now someone will have her stuff *and* my stuff.

but enough of that. now i go to finish grading papers for the students.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

office chair emergency

friends, if you don't contact me immediately to talk me down, i'm going to buy philipe starck's louis xvi ghost chair. i need a frickin chair for my office at home and it's a design classic. a design classic, i say.

that student loan money has gone directly to my head like some kind of crazy government champagne. i think i needz a serious intervention.

design classic!

Monday, October 1, 2007

october 1: manifesto day

sort of. today's the day (was the day, i guess) that maje academic lockdown starts. i have prelims in a month and a half and it's time to deal with that troublesome little reality. i am honestly more afraid that i'll get stressed out, not be able to sleep and re-break my right eyeball or newly break my left one than i am of failing the exams. so, it's time to prep. if i can get a bunch of writing done ahead of time, then i won't make my self sick in november. that's the running theory right now anyway.

the weekend was nice. saw 'the kingdom' on friday cuz i need my action movies and the j.garner knife fight scene there at the end took care of my need to witness fictional violence. very cleansing. on sat i went to indy and window shopped and then david took me to dinner when i got back. then we got hammered on bad martinis at capp & gino's and spent sunday hungover.

i got a pile of grading today too but since it's october, i can handle it without procrastination. so far. tomorrow i'm gonna go to campus with david super early so i can lock myself in my office and grade at least ten of those little suckers. then i'm gonna exercise and write and return phone calls.

in strange not-actually-news, for those of you who don't know me, i randomly obsess abt words and names. they just get stuck in my head and won't come out. lately, it's been odd euro names knocking abt up here. the ones that are stuck right now are:

hanni, mikka, siri and saskia.

twenty bucks says they'll get stuck in yr head now too. they're pretty little mysteries tho aren't they?

Thursday, September 27, 2007

major migraine action

was yesterday. i took my relpax and passed the eff out. then i woke up, felt good and did the dishes. yay for relpax! except for the weirdass tightness of chest and shoulders and hurtiness of lips. weirdola. but that passes within an hr. and i had gracious students tho who totally let me teach with the lights off.

yesterday i also fell in love with gershwin's lullaby for strings which is the most charming, soothing thing i've heard in forever. and i don't even like gershwin. you should listen to it before bed.

oh, and i found the exemplar section from the political unconscious for why i find it so dull! now, it does occur to me that i might do better to watch my mouth more on this blog, but whatevs. so here's the sentences:

'the moment of rationalization, then, is weber's equivalent of marx's notion of the universalization of equivalent labor-power, or the commodification of all labor; yet if we see the latter subterranean infrastructural process as the objective precondition for the former developments in the relations of production and throughout the superstructure there need be no particular inconsistency between the two accounts.'

shoooooot, that's boring.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

good tuesday

today was rather nice and pretty productive. i'm getting my prelim questions together and picking out the books i want to use in my answers. and i did the elliptical today which always makes me feel more together. soon, i will know what a certificate of origin is and will figure out how to get one. then, i can register my car in indiana instead of driving around with expired arizona tags.

i feel grateful for little things today, like omg on yahoo b/c they have celebrity pictures for me to look at. like how, in my dream during a late afternoon nap today, beckett didn't ultimately fall off this really tall tower she was climbing on. like how david looks really cute making grilled cheese and tomato soup in his black t-shirt and black adidas lounge pants. that kind of stuff.

anyway, i do better emotionally when i pay attention to the smaller things. i tend to get easily overwhelmed by the looming responsibilities, you know. even if they loom small like the dmv (or bmv, as indiana has it) or like how my keys smell oddly and resiliently of onions. for reals and for serious, i can't make my keys stop smelling like onions. i even soaked them overnight in a bowl of dish soap and scrubbed at them with disinfectant towelettes. it's getting ridiculous over here. i'm not even kidding. did you put the onion smell on my keys?

Monday, September 24, 2007

half a monical's pizza

& three glasses of wine makes a girl feel sick and really sort of guilty. this is what i discovered tonight. i did some stuff today, got some stuff accomplished and all that but something's sort of wrong. probably it's that i've gotten into a really unhealthy cycle. also i read too much jameson today and abt an hr or so of marxist literary criticism at a time is really all i can handle before i wanna conk someone over the head. if i have to read abt character-function instead of characters and author-function instead of authors somebody's gonna end up with a smack in the face. i am, apparently, feeling violent this evening.

anyway, i will try to stop grumping on this blog all the time. i'm not sure what has gotten into me.

love ya bye.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

cold pasta just saved my life

i am so hungover that i don't know how anything is ever gonna be okay ever again.

i brought a bottle of woodford reserve to the party last night and thus drank whiskey all night long. and a couple o white russians since it was a big lebowski theme. and a huge gross shot of vodka that winship made everyone drink. and raven told me she had to hold my boobs while she took the shot so she did.

then i talked my boring drunk talk abt my dog and weight watchers to poor unsuspecting bystanders. then we danced and somehow winship ended up on david's back like a monkey and then we took a cab home. when i woke up the tv was on, there were chips all over the table, my wallet on the floor with all the cards spilling out and also a menu for chinese food on the floor. plus i'm still wearing the shirt i wore last night and i can't get the mascara and eyeliner off from under my eyes even tho i've washed my face twice.

good party. i might die.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

mod/con and phil/lit

so today was pretty cool. i finished showing 'trekkies' in my comp class (which meant i didn't have to actually teach anything), i graded stuff for tomorrow, and i went to the first mod/con meeting which i'm totally emotionally !yay! abt. i wish it were in place two years ago when i came to this lonely town but, hey, what're you gonna do? and since this new group coincides with aev's dicta abt the importance of service on ye old curriculum vitae, i figure it must be time to 'get involved.' i am, as a rule, not a joiner. but this group involves talking abt lit, helping each other out with the whole getting-through-grad-school process, and drinking heavily after meetings so i'm all aboard. now all i have to do is to convince everyone to buy vespas, get matching literary tats while rocking black liquid eyeliner and we will have formed the band of mod readery peeps i've always dreamed of.

at any rate, i enjoyed a couple of guinnesss with that lot before picking up david and heading home for pasta&wine thursday. oh, and some toasted baguette, olive oil and balsamic which is the new awesome treat for me.

tomorrow means yay for weekend and yay for a party since the d and i are venturing out to west laf for samantha and alden's joint birthday party. since it's primarily philosophy people, i expect to have an interesting evening. in fact, i think i might devise a safe word just in case. you never know with these philosophy types.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

getting it together

starting tomorrow.

for reals tho, there are like 900 things i need to deal with and i just end up watching heroes for three hrs at a time. i was on the old elliptical this morning and i took a look around my apartment and just abt died at how cluttered, covered with dog hair, filled with papers and just generally disastery everything was. and i've let the rest of my life pile up all around me too. when the errands (like registering my dumb car in indiana b/c my az tags have expired, calling the insurance company abt yet another set of mystery bills, taking beckett to the vet for new allergy meds, etc) pile up, i feel increasingly crazy and increasingly bad. how have i not learned my lesson abt procrastination yet? at least i learned my lesson abt procrastinating doctor's appointments; i don't do that anymore.

plus, i'm a total fat ass now. yup. fat assssssssssss. i just can't seem to get a handle on myself right now and it's very frustrating. so maybe this writing it out will help with the motivation. i absolutely hate feeling like everything is wheeling off in a million directions; it makes me feel overwhelmed and frizzy and scattered like i can't concentrate on one thing for very long. so to the end of feeling more like an efficacious human being, i took out three bags of trash today (even tho the dumpster by my house is VERY smelly), i cleaned off the disaster that was my kitchen island and i did two loads of laundry. tomorrow, i will do more small things.

is it kind of weird that somehow drinking more water also seems like a sensible part of the plan? i must be dehydrated or something. or maybe i'm just going crazy.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

thumbs down for sundays

i hate sundays very much. especially when they come with a hangover like they did today, courtesy of jameson and guinness and a couple of mfas. thankfully, david was hung over too so we just lazed around and cuddled up until we both felt better. my ultimate hangover cure = black coffee, ice cold coke or coke zero, grilled cheese and one of those frozen blue ice mask things. also, the eventual submersion of yrself in some kind of water situation. if you don't have access to a pool or ocean, then a really long shower. esp if you have a sugar scrub on hand (props to aev for introducing me to the bath+body works kind). oh, and my extensive hangover cure research has uncovered the fact that a late afternoon or early evening makeout sesh makes a dramatic difference.

so does cooking it turns out. my chili loves cornbread experiments have yielded the following vegetarian variation on nigella's version (which is available on

-2 onions, chopped
-2 bell peppers, chopped
-2 cloves garlic, minced
-1 habanero, minced (or 1 tsp cayenne pepper)
-1 big can diced tomatoes (28 oz?), drained
-1 small can corn (i used half a bottle of some trader joe's corn salsa tonight)
-1 small can sliced black olives
-3 cans beans (i like 1 can black beans, 1 can pinto, 1 can white kidney beans)
-1 tsp cumin
-1 tsp chili powder
-1 tbsp cocoa
-1/4 cup ketchup
-salt and pepper to taste
-1 package corn bread mix

so, in an enormous pot (i note here that all my family members have awesome le creuset pots EXCEPT FOR ME), sautee bell peppers onions garlic then dump rest of ingredients in and let the whole thing bubble for a while (approx two-glasses-of-wine in alcoholic's time). meanwhile, preheat oven to 400 and mix up corn bread mix. then pour cornbread mix on top of chili and put the enormous pot in the oven for +/- 40 min until the cornbread is that nice brown color and a knife poked in the middle comes out not covered with uncooked cornbread slime. then let it cool down for like 5 min and eat in a big bowl with sour cream and guacamole (these are totally key).

even tho this sounds like something that frickin semi homemade bitch might make, it's awesome enough that i crave it. plus, you can totally be more o.g. and soak beans overnight, make cornbread from scrach, &c.

anyway, time for me to do some reading. tonight i start jameson's the political unconscious even though i fear that marxism before bed may not be a good idea.

Friday, September 14, 2007

yeah it's friday yeah yeah yeah

i am finally out from under that pile of grading. i feel like a free girl again. and now that i'm free and the weather's beautiful outside, i think i'm gonna take a big fat nap. you heard me.

i got horrible sleep last night. not only was beckett drooling bulldog spit on my feet, she was also kicking me and then david got up at like 5 to get gatorade or something and then i just couldn't get back to sleep and when i finally did i had a HORRIBLE dream. david and i were stuck at a wedding reception in a haunted house with threatening demon people and dangerous poltergeisty bathrooms. we had to kill a couple of the demon things and then my mom came to save us on a pastel yellow vespa. i've never been happier to see anyone ever, even in my waking life. so do some freud on that shit.

anyway, i'm exhausted but happy. i have the whole weekend to read and i finally won an ebay auction (ebay's like drugs cuz it makes you feel like you've won something when really you're just buying it), so i have an awesome white leather coach bag coming to me sometime soon. i also got $5000 in loan money direct deposited this morning so it's time to go get some drinks on the man. and maybe some nice indian food; i am effing dying for vegetable curry and samosas. and there may be a trip to trader joe's in indy in the near future. i've been totally craving nigella's chili loves cornbread.

oooh, and i have two more discs of heroes season one to watch. yay for fridays!

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

save the cheerleader, save the world

is now my new motto for teaching freshman english classes.

Monday, September 10, 2007

i should be grading papers

but i don't wanna. at least not yet anyway. this afternoon i had grand plans of exercising and grading at least 10 papers. now i just want to watch heroes on dvd and drink the rest of the cab i started with dinner. maybe i'll compromise and grade five papers and finish the cab. as long as i don't finish the cab first, i'm good. more than one wine before grading = extra bitchy teacher. i also picked up another british fiction survey from ILL today so there's that to look forward to. blech. i miss summer when i let myself read only fiction.

so the weekend was sort of blah. i totally PMSed david on saturday night by getting ultra grumpy, insisting that there's nothing fun left to do in the world and then falling asleep on my bed with all the lights on until 6am. luckily, i think he digs me enough to overlook bitchfest 2007 and also he totally fell asleep next to me like 5 min after he said we should go to the bar. and, people not from lafayette, i really do mean BAR. there's one that's decent. and i'm still bored of it and i don't even have pms anymore.

but school's pretty cool. my students start their ethnography project on weds with a test-run by going to observe/eavesdrop on people at pmu. it's always pretty fun to see what they come up with. and not to be too geeky, but i am looking forward to reading what they've come up with for their first paper. it's just that the big stack of them is sort of daunting. but, hey, i actually have a job that makes me want to work hard. and when i work hard, it's for them--each individual little writer--and for me cuz the more i grade, the quicker i get at finding writing problems.

like right now, i'd say i have a transition problem. cuz i got outbid on a bag on ebay and i'm bummed but it in no way relates to my previous paragraph. also, i find nicole richie so effing funny and i just love her mod styles here:

i would totally give me a C on this post b/c it's rambly and has no conclusion.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

being is process

finished the bruce fink finally. i def feel that i understand lacan better now but i guess i also feel like his loopy logic and false dichotomies are even more obvious. which makes him harder for me to write abt seriously. but i guess prelims are for expressing knowledge rather than expressing opinions abt that knowledge. so, we're golden. now i'm starting dominic head's british fiction 1950-2000 or something snorey sounding like that. tevs. at least i'm not confronting someone who thinks human existence is ultimately characterized by lack.

one good thing abt lacan tho is that he seems to get my ideas going, even if they end up being directed against psychoanalytic theory. not that i don't daily struggle with my own mental health. i mean, i'm in grad school in the humanities--where schizophrenia is an encouraged mode of being, the fragmented subject is taken for granted, and reality is typically viewed as a construct even tho we're all still expected to teach and get As and feed ourselves and pay our bills and maintain ethical human relationships. plus, as many times as i've written abt deleuze's BwO, nobody gives a shit when their mom is in intensive care. anyway, i guess i wanna say that i'm happy that i'm not as confused and fucked up and emotionally uncomfortable as i was (not so many years ago) abt never being satisfied, abt always chasing after something i couldn't quite get, more or less consumed by a weird aggression that i still can't really explain right.

argh, i'm sick of school. i wanna make art. i'm tired of being the armchair chick or whatever. i wanna move to spain and write books for a while by the beach. cuz language is not secondary to me, it's totally of-the-body and does not separate me from the world. on the contrary, language is, like, the thing that makes me want to get up in the morning.

let's quit and go to spain.

but we can all bring our boyfriends and our dogs.

Monday, September 3, 2007

the long weekend

was just the sort of blissful laziness i imagined it could be. even tho i spent most of it pretty well stoned off of cold medicine, i had a nice time. one highlight was going to dinner at maize last night and having a really fun bottle of seghesio zinfandel. another highlight was buying three fashion mags (well, two fashion and one home) and reading them all in a day with coffee in my favorite black sleeper dress from anthro. i think d and i watched, like, at least 10 hrs of 24 this weekend and got totally sick of it. that show has some really dumb ass plot lines.

i'm finishing up 'lacan to the letter' tonight and tomorrow, i think. right now i'm learning how the phallus equals the square root of negative one. and earlier, lacan zonked my brain with this:

this, of course, is the complete graph of desire. who knew it was so complicated?

Thursday, August 30, 2007

i don't feel so good

the back of my throat hurts, i'm sneezy and i have a headache. does this happen with allergies? i usually don't get them so i'm assuming i've got the beginnings of a cold. which sux. but that's what a strict nyquil/dayquil regime is for. so i'm drinking some trader joe's mango black tea with some fresh lime juice and it's quite nice. i'm finally acquiring a taste for tea altho sometimes i still feel that it tastes like dirty leaves.

it didn't help my brain any that i had to teach a class full of zombies today or that i started reading bruce fink. he's very clear and some of lacan is interesting to me but i'm only on page 19 and i've already had all the phallus i can take. enough phallus for one day, anyway. and i haven't even gotten to the chapter on how the phallus is also the square root of negative one. so there's something to look forward to.

later tonight to make myself feel better i think i'll make some chocolate chip cookies and eat some nyquil with a white russian or two. talk abt a recipe for sleeping like a baby angel.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

no so much

to blog abt right now. being a good busy bee teacher and future prelim taker. expecting to get bruce fink's 'lacan to the letter' in the mail tomorrow which should be instructive. thankfully, i no longer believe that lacan's right about objet a, the object cause of desire. nor do i buy girard's theories abt mimetic desire. so, i think i'm finally nearing healthy on the whole desire issue. not that i ever expect to be content. that would probably equal dead for me anyway.

so, what else? looking forward to the super ultimate in laziness that will be the forthcoming weekend. looking forward to eating popcorn and watching '10 things i hate abt you' with a david (who's never seen it before!) and a carmel nut brownie luna bar (i have a senti brother to thank for this new snack item). i'm happy that i've snagged a supportive diss director--she asked after my mom, wanted to know if i've been sleeping enough, and wrote me a note that said 'go for it!' the other day. i'm also really interested in my students this semester; i've got a good handful of world travelers, movie lovers and passionate readers. so it's looking pretty decent over here.

i also had a good laugh today when i sat down to edit a paper for a november conference. i needed to shorten it from approx 20 double spaced pages to 8 single spaced ones which can often be confusing and traumatic. turns out there were only 8 decent pages anyway, the rest was completely whacked out and/or irredeemably stupid. ah, the products of last semester, so sad! made the editing pretty easy tho...

'silvercup' by kim beury

Sunday, August 26, 2007

on the swish

so my crazy generous father donated to the jb health cause by buying me an elliptical trainer (aka the swisher) as an early xmas present. which means that now there is an enormous and strange looking piece of equipment sitting in the middle of my downstairs. but i love it very much and can acknowledge that i forfeit my right to fuss abt it ruining my carefully worked out downstairs aesthetic. cuz now when it's nasty humid outside i can exercise to fabolous, ciara, lil mama, etc in the cool air conditioned comfort of my own home.

at any rate, i totally effed up what i'm calling 'the new health' by drinking up a storm at the welcome back english dept party. i also ate a very necessary if highly caloric 5:00am snack of frozen pizza while watching 24 at ridiculous volumes. my neighbors must love me, i'm sure. the party was fun tho, nice to get some social contact with human beings who aren't david. one part of my new semester's resolutions is to work on developing some effing friends up in this one horse town. david rocks and there's no one i'd rather be hung over with but i miss having girlfriends around.

somehow i don't have the sunday blues tho. maybe it's b/c finally losing the hangover feels so good that i don't care abt teaching tomorrow. plus, my honors comp kids seem awesome and sweet and several of them even stayed after class to talk to me abt nothing in particular. and hughes finally wrote back and approved my reading lists which is an enormous weight off my mind. so things are going along swimmingly, i believe. except now i'm vaguely afraid at what might go down having said that...

i also have this looney tunes idea that i want to have a big nye bash at my parents' place in arizona. no, it's not too early to start thinking abt new year's eve. not when you do it like i do it. it would only work tho if i could convince everyone (including all of my brother's friends and all my bay area friends) that a trip to the desert would be both free and extraordinarly fun. i'm envisioning awesome multi-generational attendance, lots of homemade food, and this bizarrely awesome latin jazz band that i saw at bon's opening party last summer. come on, people, let's make this work.

("Ghost Ship and Bloom" Alexia Stamatiou)

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

time to join in

first, i'd like to join the internet cry heard round the world. what's happened to our beloved ob/sc? i'm pretty sure i can't make it thru grad school without tina ballerina. i don't even know anyone who really knows our disappeared blogger. maybe little brother will be able to get the info for me.

second joining in for the day was the phil/lit party at harris' house tonight. pretty fun. got some free wine and snacks and got to hover on the periphery of a heidegger debate. i have a particular knack for landing right on the outskirts of those of those convos. can't participate, can't seem to leave.

even tho i can be totally socially awkward and only talked to a couple of people tonight, i think i did a fine job for the first foray into school social functions. and tonight was just a practice night anyway; i will bring the true party out on saturday. this town isn't even ready for the me of saturday night.

Monday, August 20, 2007

i'm classless

and i love it. for the first time in three years, i don't have to write papers for someone else! and tomorrow, i have exactly one hour of mandatory professional responsibilty. granted, i have 900 million hours of unpaid, unmonitored professional responsibility but at least i can usually handle that in my pajamas.

not that i'm happy to be back in school, mind you. i'm still totally grumped out on that one. even the weather today seemed to say "summer's over bitch" as it dumped rain and lightninged and thundered all day.

anyway, time to retire and read silko's ceremony before bed.

Saturday, August 18, 2007


why are office chairs so expensive? they're all ugly as sin, full of plastic (which i *abhore* in most home furnishings) and still more or less uncomfortable. i'm turning into an effing granny over here, writing on a cute 50s stool instead of buying something that's posture friendly. but i can't help it with all the ugliness and expensiveness out there! hufffffff.

and i still don't want to start school and this is my last saturday night and i have no idea what i want to do with it because i live in a stupid town with no fun places to go (i'm sick of the knickerbocker!) and grrrrrrrr.

also, i googled myself today for the sport of it and discovered that some other person with my name has an entire website devoted to serenity. now, this is bloody weird. b/c david and i JUST TONIGHT finished watching firefly and i wish that series had continued and i literally miss (like i miss with novels) the characters and, even tho the movie was decent, i hate what they did to wash and the shepherd. but believe it, peeps, i would never actually make and maintain a website devoted to a tv show or movie. at least not yet, in the off-chance that i myself write a tv show or movie at which point i probably would devote some time to a web presence if you know what i mean.

now snuffleuffagus downstairs is making it clear that she needs to go for a walk so i guess i'm going but i'm not happy abt it.

Friday, August 17, 2007

romance of the next semester

i usually get excited for school to start--buying various colors of pen and making lists are pretty high on my list of fun things to do-- but i'm especially dreading it right now and i'm not sure why. so pushing pause on that whole passage of time bit would be ideal. it's friday and classes resume on monday so let's just pause the motherfucker right here. ugh, and i had like three stupid caucus/convocation/meeting things to go to today that were a pretty big drag. unfortunately, one of those meetings started at 10:000am and not 10:30, a fact i discovered at 9:45. bummer for me. i left the house like frickin tornado girl without my coffee and without brushing my teeth.

at any rate, i'm ready to be the misbehaving grad student girl who wears big nicole richie sunglasses indoors and puts on lip gloss instead of listening to anyone. but i guess i haven't passed my prelims yet, so it's not time to start bothering the elders. plus, i don't have a million dollars to support me if i fail out or even a good partner in delinquency. it's not as fun without someone to giggle with. and, really, nobody can fill aev's shoes in that regard. showing up to that ewing manor place in illinois still drunk for free food instead of the rhet/comp conference in sunglasses and name tags that read 'please, no photos' was a total highlight of my one year in normal.

i better try to shake this crappy mood and get back into the game. i have to play teacher on monday, after all. i also have to submit completed and signed reading lists by the end of the month and, instead of being almost complete, they're actually really ragged little monsters right now. i just wonder where all the romance went, all the excitement for school to get going. maybe i'll get it back over the weekend. or maybe, come monday, i'll roll into 106 with enormous glasses and a cigarette. kids like people who kind of want to die, right?

Sunday, August 12, 2007

back it up

i want to give a brief retroactive cheers to the ladies of ucsd who i got to hang out with last saturday night. see below. we sat around and talked and ate homemade mac n' cheese and what i'm now calling nigella's 'chili loves cornbread,' chips, guacamole, and some intellectually confounding but actually quite awesome scharffen berger apple-chocolate cupcaked things. some of us talked abt issuing actual live human beings from our nether-regions and others of us just drank a lot of wine and pretended not to hear the 'marriagebabies' convo. the actual baby that attended was super precious and totally got me in the mood to be auntie jen, altho i might need to find another sibling if i want to achieve biological auntie status anytime soon.

not that i needed to be reminded, but i sure quickly remembered how cool and special the erc girls are. i also think that the new pomegranate tree tattoo hasmig's rocking on the inside of her forearm is cool and special. makes me wanna bite her style and get a tattoo there too. maybe as a present for going abd at the end of the year? i think i'll start pondering.

so, here's to miller, lorena, chida, kim, hasmig, christy, christine, deanna and sarah (in absentia). college would have been totally lame without you. and please don't all go and get married or knocked up any time soon b/c that would scare the crap out of me.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

did i do *anything* today?

not really, no.

oh i did make nigella's chili + corn bread recipe and it was really pretty good but i ate too much now i feel like i'm gonna die of fullness.

and some bullshit bill-writing and insurance-people calling. that's abt it. snoooooooze.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

and though i'm hot, together we burn it up

so my escape from the midwest is oh-fficially over. siiiiiiiigh.

i don't know if i'm really ready to be back here. i feel pretty refreshed, sort of like i bathed in normalcy for two weeks. we'll see if that carries me through the semesters that seem to stretch in front of me to infinity. last night i had a dream that i was teaching my new honors composition course in which one dude answered his phone, a girl told me my syllabus was too stupid for her and another guy took off his pants. let's hope i don't run into them on aug 20; i might just do my three laps around the room and make for the bay. or even arizona really...just west.

thank all that is good and proper that the david was at the indy airport to usher me back into the utter unbelievable baloney that is living in small town indiana. he's the shit. he makes everything fun. plus, i got bubba from doggy jail (and dropped $580 in bail!!!!!) and she's snawing logs (the best term for snoring ever invented, btw, which started as an inadvertant combo of 'snoring' and 'sawing logs' and is now totally its own thing. in a similar way, the grocery store became the goat cheese store but that's just digression beyond belief) on the floor by my feet.

maybe i'll perk up in a day two. really, i just miss my parents and my brother and my friends. it makes me get teary when i think abt it actually. because it's been a long summer, because i'm tired of always missing someone, because i feel like i'm holding my breath until i actually start living. also, i just kind of cry whenever now.

okay, i'm gonna stop being a baby. why? because my mom is getting healthy all fucking fabulous gangbusters like and all my friends are gorgeous. fin.

Friday, August 3, 2007

and again

yesterday was awesome so i've decided to pretty much just do it over again.  only tonight, instead of meeting deanna and russell at betelnut, i will meet a crew of girls in the mission.  and russ and ciana.  yay.

i have been spending money like a drunken princess over here.  it's not all my fault tho!  yesterday, i was killing time before dinner so i stopped in ambiance on union street.  before i knew it, they had given me a little plastic cup of champagne and a raffle ticket.  then five min later i won the raffle and, giddy from my winnings and cheap champagne, i was practically forced into buying a coat.  and seriously, people, i do need a coat.  somehow i managed to forget what "summer" is like in sf.  forget the fact that i leave for arizona on sunday.  at least i'll be warm until then.

i also bought a watermelon colored sports bra with a little pocket for a key.  brilliant!  i've been tying my key onto my shoelaces so now that situation is remedied.  and i forgot to bring a sportsy brassiere to my brother's house so now i can actually really run on the beach (unlike yesterday where it was a sort of uncomfortable lilting walk).  so now i've done all the justification i can do; the rest has been totally needless money squandering.

Thursday, August 2, 2007


drinking morning coffee (for the second time) at russell's fab estab in alameda.  earlier, i dropped hermanito and his lovely lady friend at park n' ride then came back to his apt and crashed the eff out.  i am NOT used to walking around and/or operating motor vehicles at 7am.  but now it's noon and i'm ready to go.

plus, it's sunny out!  hurray for sun, who i haven't seen for what feels like days.  so my big plans today are to eat somebody's luna bar (if it's yrs, i'll replace it), go for a run at the beach in the medes, visit trader joe's, then go read books at a cafe in the city.  will it be the grove on fillmore?  will it be revolution cafe?  who knows?  it could even be samovar so i can drink out of their awesome silver cups.  that's the beauty of finally having a car.   thanks russ.

another trip highlight: last night russ and ci and i had a lovely wine, salad and crepes dinner at ti couz where we were seated next to the most precious french babies ever invented.  curly blonde hair, bare feet, falling asleep on the wooden benches after their dinner.  there was also a precious french mom replete with requisite frenchy scarf and precious french au pair.  it was all really very san francisco casual cosmopolitan.  despite its always interesting clientele, ti couz is just definitely one of my favorite restaurants in sf.  maybe later someone will meet me for dinner at waziema.

wow, this carmel nut brownie luna bar really isn't half bad.  

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

a quick hello

san francisco is lovely despite it's general foggy chillyness. highlights thus far include waking up for tea and nectarines at lorena's precious richmond pad, running to baker's beach and later reading paul auster's new york trilogy at cafe lo cubano on california st.

also saw dj am on friday at ana mandara, split a bottle of champagne with lorena and xine. the scene was trashtastic l.a. style but totally entertaining. today i froze my ass off walking around fort funston looking for a decent place to sit down and start the martin amis novel.

tonight it's dinner with the ladies at range in the mish. yay.

more later abt the lovely down time in az and hanging with the family which was sorely needed and completely appreciated. esp tennis with brother bear and badminton in the pool with the p's.

right now i'm gonna hop in the shower to take the chill out of my bones and get ready for going out. then i'm gonna have a couple martinis to help me forget that i miss my guy and my dog so bad that i actually, by extension, miss indiana.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

not be all, you know, whatever...

but i found my first purdue teacher review on ratemyprofessors today. it was very nice. not as awesome as the one ellen got last year :) and i always wish i could be the tough-but-inspiring teacher but i have to acknowledge that that's not where i'm at now. i need to practice my rap and pass some prelims before i start worrying abt hardcore teaching. but, you know what, i had a lot of inspiring teachers in college and not a single fucking one of them smiled at me when i came to visit them during office hrs. that is some serious baloney right there. and since i don't buy into the hazing culture of grad school one ounce then maybe i won't be the hardass at all. maybe instead i'll shoot for being the professor who is rigorous but who also can still be a human being to their undergrads. i'd say grad students too but i'd really be kidding myself if i thought i'd end up somewhere with a grad program.

anyway, highlight of the review is that now there's proof that jb has "plenty of oomph and is always immaculately dressed." i've always thought so, anonymous reviewer; thanks for noticing.

picked up the first four books that duvall put on my reading list today. i'd be looking forward to them except for the fact that all of them are over 350 pgs. bummer for me. on the upside of all this reading is that i'm reading faster. i'm rarely proud of myself for stuff, but i really do read fast and now i read faster. 263 pages in a small portion of yesterday, por ejemplo. or maybe that's cuz ian mcewan isn't confusing. anyway, i ran into this hilarious passage in child in time last night and it is totally what i say to myself when i'm mad and sick of myself. it comes from an american tennis coach (and what's up with the tennis books this summer?):

"you're passive. you're mentally enfeebled. you wait for things to happen, you stand there hoping they're going to go your way. you take no responsibility for the ball, you're making no active calculations about the next move. you're inert, spineless, you're half asleep, you don't like yourself. your racket has to be going back sooner, you've got to be moving into the stroke, going in low, enjoying the movement. you're not all here. even as i'm speaking to you now you're not all here. you think you're too good for this game? wake up!"

i might post that to my fridge for when prelims come. tough self-love and all that.

Friday, July 13, 2007

too much popcorn and diet pepsi

my stomach is all gurgles but the new harry potter is effing wonderful. i may be super emotional right now, but i totally almost cried twice. and i've decided that magic fight scenes are up there in my favorite kinds of fight scenes-- probably number two next to one on one martial arts fight scenes (or any fight scene involving matt damon). i never space out during magic fight scenes the way i do with car chases or big war fight scenes.

i made banana bread tonight to bring to sarah's as a sort of hostess gift. i typically only burn her cds but i've had this horrifying habit lately of vomiting on, destroying or otherwise damaging some element of her personal property every time i visit. it may have been beckett that got tangled in sarah's computer cords and knocked the monitor to the floor while simultaneously ripping the speakers out of the cpu, but i must take responsibility for the actions of my pet. so, banana bread.


thanks to somaieh i can now officially bleach my own hair. well, okay, she bleached it for me and i observed so that the next time i get gross roots i can do it myself. so i'm finally all purpled up again and ready to go to chicago tomorrow for good time fun adventures with sarah. cheers to somaieh who is funny and chic and smart.

unfortunately i'm v hung over today from post bleach party celebrations. adryan was out and i met new people from the history department and political science dept and two of them were adorable french girls. david met up later and then when we got back to my place at three we ate a ton of pizza and passed out. the new best pizza is trader joe's roasted vegetable pizza. it doesn't have cheese on it which makes it very strange that i actually like it but, man, this stuff is so good. carmelized onions and artichoke hearts and bell peppers. try it and you'll see. other new discoveries this week include how good both strawberry gatorade and fruit punch + berry gatorade are. so good. fruit punch + berry saved me at 8am this morning when some crazy ass person was sawing trees or something right outside my window.

so, good times! except for the hangover which is slowly fading with coffee. i have my hair all the way i like it; i love my new adidas tennis skirt; and i might have a new friend! beep beep beep.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

books books and more books

i guess i'm glad that i've managed to stay on task recently but i am getting so worn out on reading. it may the contemporary british thing in particular tho. as far as i can tell, ian mcewan has written the same book twice (enduring love and saturday) and the essential problem in all of his novels is a failure in communication. people either lie or evade and then, poof!, problems. go figure. you can learn that same lesson every week on days of our lives.

and margaret drabble is just mothers and daughters mothers and daughters mothers and daughters. throw in the occasional dissatisfied marriage and there's yr novel. to be fair, the peppered moth covered several generations of mothers and daughters; it's kind of like the english neurotic's version of 100 yrs of solitude.

maybe i'm just in the mood to piss on everything but i don't think so. it's just all the books i've been reading are such bloody downers. does all 'serious' lit have to be premature ejaculation, addiction, various sexual abuses, and agoraphobia? what about the picaresque, the carnivalesque, the fabulously kinky? por favor. give a poor grad student something lively to read.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007


so mini reunion plans in sf are shaping up. looks like a lot of the college girl friends will be making their way to the bay and only one out of ten of us has a baby. i am def excited to meet said baby but i am also very very glad that most of my college ladies are sans husband and sans kinder. i may be 31 but i am not ready for husbands and family. i mean, i have the awesomest boyfriend ever invented (like, i don't even want to profane this thing with him by writing abt it publicly) and i imagine that one day i might want a kid but no no no no no no no no not now. if i could be any more emphatic i would. point being i'm happy that other women my age seem to think along similar lines. it's nice to have non married, non baby company.

but i didn't mean this post to be abt what i don't want or don't have. i love these girls i met 12 (!) years ago. i miss them. i remember when i consistently chose them over my college boyfriend. for a reason, i might add. these girls make me feel alive and loved and bring out the best parts of me--the most smart, the most generous, the most fun, the most genuine. and i value their uniqueness, bizarreness, particularity and general beauty (they're all so pretty, i'm serious) like i can barely express.

it took me a long time to feel like i found a place. i hated high school; i thought everyone was retarded (except for dee, claro). and the first time i ever felt really free was at ucsd. funny how now again i feel trapped and now again i get a trip away for their company.

in addition to being bright, inspiring, and unafraid, weird shit always happens when we're together. por ejemplo:

what happened here? dunno. don't remember.

Monday, July 9, 2007

eight years of sweetness (and snoring)

happy birthday to beckett, the dog love of my life. i got her when she was an eight week old tiny baby puppy. see above (which is tiniest-littleist b i ever knew). and like this:

and this:

beckett makes me laugh every day. when i come home she looks amazed to see me and she scoots sideways all the way across the room to say hello and then sneezes all over my shins. a very similar greeting happens in the morning b/c i think she forgets where she is and that all the same people who went to bed next to her will also be waking up in the same place.

beckett's likes are: meat cereal (aka dog food), saltines (who am i kidding? all food), cuddling up to people's curves while sleeping, snuffling grass and shrubberies, licking cats and sleeping on as many pillows, blankets and puffy items as she can collect under her in a giant nest. beckett also occasionally likes to put her ass on my pillow. not anybody's pillow, of course, my pillow. see example from my old apt:

beckett's dislikes are: full garbage bags and any objects that are tall or in different places than they usaully are. beckett also hates loud noises, especially the vacuum cleaner and loud barking. beckett refuses to sleep alone.
i can't believe i kept her alive until she got to be like this:

bottom line is that i sold my first car to afford her and there is just simply no other dog for me. so cheers to beckett...aka bubba, buddy, peanut, walnut, peanut butter, pb&j, monster, smooch, fatso, pudgy, buggly, wigglesworth, b, b-easy, beezy, peachy, peachypeanut, poochy, snuffles, and baby bear.

i love you beckett!!!!

Saturday, July 7, 2007

i know i'm full grown

but, man, i hate dealing with bureaucratic stuff. i've recently been flooded with so much insurance nonsense i feel like i'm in a kafka story. like i might accidentally get myself sentenced to death if i fill out one of these forms wrong. and i should have known better than to have looked at the graduate manual at midnight last night. i think i scared myself out of fun for a month.

but i had a really good run today and celery bog was full of dark blue butterflies. either that or i'm in the buggy phase of detox from some substance of which i'm unaware. i remember when matt had really bad hangovers; he thought he saw black cats everywhere, just out of the corners of his eyes. i'm totally familiar with when the black cats come with yr hangover. however, today it was dark blue butterflies and not only were they in the corners of my eyes but they also rammed into me on a few occasions. i haven't given up anything recently and i'm not hungover so they can't be detox butterflies. not that i plan to give anything up entirely, but i've decided i want to focus on being more of an athlete. i used to be. i used to be strong and a lot tougher than i am now.

for starters, i'll be an athlete for a week and then i'll go to chicago and drink and eat like a little spoiled piglet and wear my brand new anthro dress that i haven't even worn once yet. then when i get back to dullsville, i can re-evaluate athlete status.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

and again

today was another day of fun hungover tennis. i finished ij yesterday and i'm having some separation anxiety. i'm already halfway through ian mcewan's saturday but i'm bored and listless b/c i miss hal and don and mario and pemulis and i'm beginning to wish my name was ann kittenplan for no other reason than it sounds pleasant. it's been a while since i've felt attached to characters--but i guess after a 1000 pages you feel like you've spent quality time with the folks. the mcewan is dull as a dirt sandwich, relatively. and probably really just empirically.

i'll probably be bummed out abt the book being over and having none of the storylines really resolved for a couple more days. but soon i go to chicago to hang with sarah and after that to az and ca. also, i bought some twinkle lights for my office at school. and some laura mercier makeup and an adidas tennis skirt from so i really have no reason to feel low. plus, this lady makes me happy:

Monday, July 2, 2007

thanks to relpax

the migraine's fixed. i read another shit ton of ij today and still haven't finished the damn thing. i sat on the far right corner of my red couch with my back on the heart pillow and read for hooooouuuuuurrrrs. those thin bibley-material pages are just merciless.

in more exciting news, i got the call from j.ware today that i can pick up a section of 108 for fall. hurrah! extra cash. i am tres tres tres excited for even the slightest extra $$$ these days. so the added class and the federal aid funds should help me pay down the monster of a visa bill i've managed to accumulate over the last three years of grad school. what can i say? a girl's gotta drink.

Sunday, July 1, 2007

well, i believe i was negatively influenced by red wine the other night. i have much more pleasant feelings about infinite jest right now. i realized i was being unnecessarily harsh toward the book during tennis today when i was trying my hardest to occur on the court. i did not occur. but that's cuz i was extraordinarily hung over such that it felt like my body was put together all wrong with my legs especially feeling like statues or stumps.

it was a beautiful day for tennis tho and despite my body's varying levels of misbehavior, i had a good time. what i really wanted to do today was go to the beach but that's out of the question until late july. anyway, i just took some migraine medicine and now its time to lay myself down on the bed. so more tomorrow; my head hurts.

Friday, June 29, 2007

hi it's friday

not that days of the week mean anything to me anymore. it's summertime--basically the only good thing abt grad school other than winter break. summertime means that i sleep until 2 and i never know what day it is and it doesn't usually even matter what day it is. what matters is that i have my car back (and thus my independence, my freedom and my soul) and that i'm officially half way through infinite jest.

i am def slogging through that giant motherfucker. i find it funny. i find that i'm compelled to utilize its bizarre jargon in common, everyday speech. i know that i'll miss many of the characters after 1000+ pages of hanging out around them and up in their lives and (often drug-addled) psyches. but i don't love it and its incessant digressions make it bloated.

also, i think postmodernity is dead. thankfully, i have for a semester or so thought of myself as stuyding contemporary world lit rather than postmodern american lit. phew. cuz pomo american is, like, an HIV+ dinosaur. totally on its last legs. i still love pynchon and i can really appreciate dfw. but, peeps, if you write you should get to writing b/c something new has got to be on the horizon. reading the really, explicitly postmodern stuff now is like having to watch a bazillion different reincarnations of reality bites. good at first but now it's just the same tricks over and over again and less amusing every time. plus, its not the 90s any more. just please please please don't bring me post-secularism as an appropriate response, please.

yes, i've had a bottle of coppola rosso but, no, i don't think this is a vino tinto invective. it's just that the standard pomo stylings are beginning to give me the howling fantods. hah. see, literary inside jokes--even when i'm anti-pomo i'm pomo. or is that more of a modernist trait? i need out of school; my brain's in circles.

so it must be time for the knickerbocker and manhattans.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

got my car back today!

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah! i also just watched school of rock so everything is a crazy old rock riff in my head right now. i feel totally free bird. more tomorrow.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

the lake and stars

i watched 'rumor has it' with david last night and it made me think, again, abt how much i hate romantic comedies that revolve around what i would (in academic-speak) call the narrative of settling. several of these movies come to mind and i'm sure there are more but i'm thinking specifically of high fidelity and beautiful girls. i really like both these movies, btw, but i hate hate hate the endings--that we're asked to leave the theatre (or be stuck on our couches, in our homes) with characters who choose really-pretty-nice-but-not-at-all-exciting complacency over the fireworks-but-impractical character. false dichotomy! false dichotomy! false dichotomy! as though daily life precludes a passionate connection. like fireworks are limited to just really wanting to sleep with someone for the first couple of months. feh! reality and real love and gottahaveyou can all exist together and (fuck you movies!) i'd prefer a tall whiskey and infinite solitude to even the whisper of walking down the aisle with mr. he'll-make-a-good-dad.

i'm not retarded; i know that really, meaningfully incorporating another person into daily life is hard and that people are complicated and come with rumpled slacks and old knickers and habits that are both peculiar and irritating. but i refuse to believe that accepting those things means saying goodbye to the idea of a great, explosive love--that sense that you're with someone who can completely change your life, who you'd crawl across glass in yr nicest pair of thigh high stockings for, who really just has to be the last person you talk to before you fall asleep. and i sure as shit don't want to waste two hrs of my life watching a movie that urges me toward emotional suburbia.

anyway, they're a pet peeve of mine, these movies. i'll let it go now and get back to infinite jest which i put down for a few days to read margaret drabble's the waterfall. maybe later on i'll take as my rant topic novels that feature neurotic women who lack both a sense of purpose and a sense of humor. but i suppose that's a pet peeve for another time.

Friday, June 22, 2007

a little less than totally productive

but not exactly shiftless either. my web site is almost done and my reader is also almost done. i'm content with that for the time being. tonight we ordered monical's and watched part of a shitty romantic comedy. we haven't ordered pizza in more than 6mos for sure and it was bloody awesome. totally the best thin crust pizza locally available. it's no lucca's in bloomington or ascona in blackhawk or even zachary's in berkeley, but it'll do for my midwestern sojourn. anyway, the movie sucked so bad that both david and i decided we'd rather read. so here's to friday night craziness! i just got margaret drabble's 'the waterfall' in the mail today so i'm abt to strip down to my knickers and crawl in bed with a nice pellegrino. then maybe later i'll take a couple benedryl so i can manage to fall asleep before 4am. i've got big farmer's market plans for tomorrow in the late morning, you know. siiiigh.

i blame my lack of drunken bar craziness on the fact that there is nothing going on in this town. if i had a new bar to try and money to try it with, i would def drag david out of the house, margaret drabble novel or no. look at me, defending myself to myself and to the internet. like, insisting "i'm fun! i am fun!" but god, i haven't felt fun in the go out and drink and laugh and maybe topple over, maybe flirt with some girl bartenders in effing forever. i want to make some improvements in that aspect of my life. i don't feel well rounded unless i access that drunk and noisy part of myself on a regular basis. man, the sf peeps better put their drinking shoes on and lace them up tight. by the time i get out there in august i might be totally bonkers. at least there's also a mid-july trip to chicago for some good time fun nightlife adventures.

for the time being, though, it's midnight and i'm in for the night. blahwistful.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

played tennis yesterday for the first time in quite a while. i suck again but it was very fun to get out and run around (even though i still swing and miss with the jenny-one-eye thing). in a related vein, i saw my neuro-ophthalmologist on tues. i wish it were as sexy to have a neuro-ophthalmologist as it is to have, say, a morally casual psychiatrist or pharmacist or something. i mean, in the sense that they might give you fun prescription meds not in the might-sleep-with-you sense. and anyway, i get a creepy religious vibe off dr. s; the guy is 40 tops and has six kids. a little weird. at any rate, i did some whacked out vision testing and it was very fun to see how much my eye has improved. it doesn't hurt anymore and i can see a lot more than i could a month ago (for instance, before i could only read the big E on the vision chart but now i can see, mas o menos, until row 6). i still have one bad spot where he can shine a really bright light and i can't see it but he thinks it should get better over time. i have to go back for an mri in 6mos to make sure i don't have ms and if i don't (which i'm sure i won't) i don't have to have another one for a year. fab.

i'm planning to make today one of those get serious days where i actually work hard instead of considering 'work' to be lying around in my knickers reading tiny bits of infinite jest and then taking breaks to look for art on the internet. given that it's 2:30pm and i've only just walked the dog and had my first cup of coffee, i have some catching up to do.

will start my productivity sesh with a peanut butter and banana sandwich and will hopefully end the day having finished putting a reader together for fall. i'm also going to commit to having my teaching web site done by tomorrow. yipes.

Monday, June 18, 2007

so unmotivated

it seems like a foot-half-in-day to me. half here, sort of not. i had the hardest time making myself do pilates. makes me almost miss the antsy anxiousness of the roids. at least then i got shit done. well, let's be fair, myself...i did get stuff done today. lots of school type errands and i finally returned adryan's volatile bodies and 'the bird and the bee' cd. plus we had a nice (if heartburn inducing) lunch in the west laf. and i returned my rental car and read some infinite jest at royale. so, in all fairness, the only thing i had difficulty getting myself to do was roll around on the floor making awkward shapes with my legs to some woman in full body spandex who sounds like sarah jessica parker. and, really, no one wants to do that.

but siiiigh nonetheless. i've got lackadaisicality. the air's out my sails. i'm feeling eyeoreish and yawny and vaguely like in a day or two i might want to punch someone in the face. ah! i must have pms. funny how i forget abt that every month until i feel craptastic for no good reason and my boobs hurt and then i'm like, omg, no wonder. so there we have it. mystery solved. which reminds me, i'm beginning a list of all the products/services/companies i would totally spokesperson for regardless of monetary reward. rough draft version:

1. weight watchers (anything that helps a girl lose 47 lbs is going to earn lifelong devotion.)
2. nuva ring (birth control you only have to remember once a month? why, i'm sold!)
3. haig's spicy hummus and hummus from the nile restaurant in hyde park (hummuses, you're the best.)
4. san pellegrino bubbly water (i litterbug the bottles all over my apt but i secretly think it's okay b/c the bottles are so pretty to me, like art. as long as they're the glass ones and not the plastic ones, of course.)

this is a short list, i know. but i'm trying to be very particular.

sometime this week i'm going to bleach my own roots. this is very scary for me as i'm not typically good at these types of girly things. the larger, underlying question is: how long should i keep the front parts of my hair purple? is it time to grow my hair long and dark again? i'm attached enough to the purple to keep it for a few more months. i will be asking for opinions on this shortly.